Anthem for the Ordinary

I've been remembering a time in my life when striving to make a name for myself seemed exceptionally important.
I'm thankful that God has worked in my heart in order to change that desire.
But it would be ridiculously inane to assume that it was easy, or that I surrendered immediately, or that I didn't put up a fight.

I used to fear being average with a consuming passion. Just a few years ago, you might find that fear listed among death and rejection and spiders... I convinced myself that accomplishing and impressing was the only way to make it in this world. Success, I decided, wouldn't come any other way.

Well, let's be honest. That philosophy is kind of ... corrupted.
And nothing else could have taught me that like these past couple months of walking closely with Jesus. He's kind of wrecked my life... for the better.

Back when I was a sophomore in High School, I had these lofty goals of becoming a big-name performer in New York City, and blowing small-town Bolivar out of the water with my accomplishments. I remember lamenting my ordinariness a considerable lot that year, and I continuously sought affirmation from others. It took someone a little older and wiser to see through my elitist dreams and give me a glimpse of the truth. My friend Ryan left me with these words to chew on one day:

"What is wrong with being average?
At my school --" [Princeton, fyi] "I'm average to below average. And that has taught me a lot...
1.Your identity is not based on your talents and abilities. Your identity is in Christ.
2. God made you so it doesn't matter if you are "average" in the world's eyes or not.
3. Besides, God uses everybody (specifically in our weakness) and is pleased with any kind of person as long as they seek and obey Him.
Just a thought..."

But it goes without saying that his "thought" alone didn't change my heart. It sparked something, and it irritated me-- which should have waved a red flag in my face... it wasn't until the following year that I started to become personally acquainted with these truths through a period of time particularly saturated with disappointment and failure. I suppose one might say I started to surrender--letting go finger-by-finger.
Most notably, I realized that New York wasn't what He had in mind for me. That was a painful realization. (And that's putting it lightly.)

After experiencing the stirring in my heart when I spent a week in El Salvador that following summer, the spark ignited a small flame. These were the words that came forth following the trip:

"...I have seen poverty. I have seen poor. I have seen neglect and injustice and 'crap', if you will. Yet in the midst of all of that, I saw joy... joy, thankfulness, peace, and genuine happiness. I met people who had nothing, yet rejoiced simply because the sun was up and they were alive. I met people who were uninhibited enough to show compassion to foreigners they did not know--who didn't even speak the same language. It was a lesson in many aspects of life, and I am a changed person because of it."

However, changed as I was, it was easy to return to my comfortable, glory-seeking, American lifestyle with my new friends so many miles away.

I spent so much time concentrating on accomplishing and succeeding my last year of High School that I became a pretty important person in my eyes. My first semester of college (and the summer beforehand) severely challenged that egotistical self-absorption. In fact, not only did it challenge me, you might say it kind of slapped me in the face-- hard (read the post below this one for a more detailed explanation).

The past couple of months, I surrendered to let the Lord lead me without question or hesitation. (Okay, without question is a bit of a stretch... we're still working on the whole trust thing). He has revealed so many closet-ugly parts of me, and faithfully promised to heal them. When I sit back and look at my life through the eyes of my old standards, I am the most ordinary, mediocre person imaginable.
I'm not making a name for myself.
I don't hold important positions in campus organizations.
I'm not the revered leader of a campus ministry.
I don't have glamorous, exciting summer plans.
I don't have any admirable Godly guys knocking on my door with a bouquet of flowers.
I'm not popular with everyone and I don't have a million friends.

But God has been showing me that this is all okay. It's okay because He has me where He wants me for the time being, and His place for me doesn't include those things.

I am becoming increasingly less interested in my name and in turn more interested in the name of my Savior Christ Jesus.
I am involved with smaller, lesser-known organizations because they are where my heart lies.
I have been able to serve within ministries behind the scenes.
I know my place this summer is at home with a job so I can help out my parents with school-year expenses.
God has given me a desire for singleness at this point in my life and I am completely at peace with it (it gives us more time together, which I can't seem to get enough of right now).
I have been blessed with beautiful authentic friendships that I didn't know were possible of forming, and I am learning to lose myself in order to let Christ live/love through me (a lesson I fail at a thousand times a day, but He's not giving up-- so neither will I).

I am content with this life I am leading, because I have the peace of Christ in my heart. My desire for self-glorification continues to be diminished by His unfailing grace each day...

I think I'm starting to get a glimpse of the life He has planned for me-- and granted, it's not an exciting life. My path doesn't lead to privileges, accolades, or important titles. A few years ago, that notion would've terrified me. No doubt I would've been seething with bitterness and resentment. Today? It excites me and fills me with more hope and joy than I ever thought possible... because I'm learning what it looks like to give up my life in order to find it in Christ, and it's beautiful. It's a slow process, and I'm sure I'll never get it totally right, but it's worth everything I have and more. NOTHING has ever been as fulfilling, and NOTHING ever will be.

I want to invite you, whoever you are, to join me in pursuing this life. It's frustrating and exhausting at times, but that's all the more reason to encourage one another along the way. Let's keep running the race together.

"So long self-- it's been fun, but I have found somebody else." :)