Identity Theft

Written throughout December 2008 - January 2009

Preface:
Over break I've been going over a lot of the hurt I've had going on in my life and in my heart this past semester... sort of a "taking out the trash" with Jesus type thing. ;) On one occasion, I was so overwhelmed that I felt the need to sit down at the computer, put my fingers to the keyboard, and just see what happened. I was up writing non-stop until 3 AM. I left my creation open-ended, and have continued working on it for the past couple of weeks. This is (as far as I know, anyway) the finished product. It's long, so if anyone reads this, just be prepared.

I wrote this strictly for myself, primarily, but if this can help or inspire anyone else... by all means. I might as well put it out there in some way. ______________________________________________________________________
i'm trying to figure myself out. it's not as easy as i hoped it would be... funny.
here's a thought. maybe it will come out making sense:

you wonder why this year-- this first semester of college-- has been so tough for me?

because.

i.
lost.
everything.

everything i'd ever known or lived for. in some ways the loss was good. i'm sure of it. i have to keep telling myself that.

but let me paint a picture for you-- a picture of my world--going back a year and approximately 4 months from today.

we'll start in early august:
I was on top of the world. literally.My senior year was about to begin in only a week or so. i had so much to look forward to!
I was beautifully tan, first of all. i'd tanned all summer long. the natural way.
I was perfectly lean and slender, thanks to months of hard work-- controlling my appetite and working out every single day.
I was student body secretary, part of an executive team with my two very best friends. we'd been talking all summer-- making plans. this was our year.
I was dating an unbelievably wonderful, sweet, perfect, Godly guy-- a captain on the soccer team. we were the perfect couple. or, i certainly liked to think so.
I was one of the veteran members on the dance team, and it was finally our year to take charge... do things the way we wanted to do them. it was my passion, and i was well-known for my membership.
I was mere months away from starring in the school's production of "West Side Story"-- as Maria. My breakout role! Something I'd been wanting for ages... I'd been practicing all summer. Couldn't have been more excited.
I was in Chorus Line, our top choir, for the second year in a row, and felt quite confidently that I'd made something of myself in the choral department. Little did I know-- a little over a month down the road I was to accomplish the ultimate dream: All-State.
I was taking my first "on campus" college classes, and really felt like I was becoming an adult. I had my future mapped out. I was going to be a Music major at a small, Christian college.
I was finally part of a close-knit, genuine small group of girls through K-Life, and our bond just continued to strengthen me spiritually and emotionally. I'd never had anything quite like it. It was going to be so great...

around mid-November, things started to take a turn.

My tan was wearing off. But a small matter of worry.

I was becoming obsessed with my weight and my appearance, and it started taking over my life-- my relationships, my schoolwork, my extra-curricular activities... they all suffered. I started pushing everyone away. It was eating me up from the inside out, and stupidly, i externalized it to make things easier. For the time being.

This started to take a toll on my dating relationship, of course. I can't count how many times we wound up sitting in his car-- me crying hysterically as he tried to encourage me. But I screamed at him, accused him of lying.... how many times I angrily hung up on him because he didn't have time to work-out with me... how many times I manipulated his time and guilt-tripped him into reassuring me of my attractiveness. Yet it all felt like a silly charade to me. He was becoming miserable... and i didn't care.

The play was over. A huge chunk of my time (and life, for that matter) suddenly became void. It was over... everything I'd looked forward to since the previous spring was over within a matter of days. There were no more chances left-- there would be no more high school musicals. And a small part of my identity was stolen from me... I didn't like how that felt.

Elektra blue became my outlet, and I threw myself into that like I never had before. (And hey... it was exercise. I thought I could still stand to lose a few pounds, of course. not to worry that I was eating less than 1,000 calories a day and hadn't had my period since last April.)But time began to poke holes in my outlet, too-- the hostilities between my team-mates and our coach were driving me insane. I went to practice every day fearing that Elektra Blue would be disbanded, and I would lose yet another part of myself without warning. I made up my OWN mind to quit before it came to that, and cried every day for a week just thinking about what that would mean.

but everything else skillfully remained in tact. until one fateful day in late January...

He came to talk to me. He told me we had become too serious for his intentions. I had pushed him overboard... and he wasn't standing for it anymore. We were going to stay together and try to work on things, but I could tell where his heart was... I already knew it was over. It was so painfully clear in the back of my head-- and worst of all, I knew it was my fault. That killed me. Still, resilient person that i am, I refused to believe the truth that rang in my ears every second of every day from then on... a large stake of my identity was utterly dependent upon this person! I had to keep fighting, despite my gnawing intuition... terrible, terrible idea.

All-state choir had happened, and I was struggling with another painful, nagging truth: I didn't want music like that for the rest of my life. I didn't want long, dragging hours of practice and merciless studying of theory and technique; not to mention all the petty prima-donna, cut-throat competition... it wasn't at ALL what I wanted. But... that's what I had planned on, all along! What was I going to do? What about college NOW?

Another part of my identity was stripped from me without warning, and it left a a scar like all the others.All of a sudden, our Spring Fling (an exhibition which wrapped up the season for Elektra Blue) was here. Tensions were running high. I had been fighting tears all night, just out of the maddening insecurity. Then it hit us all- the senior class that made up half the team- smack in the face. Kicked off. Putting it lightly, our services were "no longer needed." Oh sure. Not like we'd spent all our time and money and passion on that team for the past 4 years, making it into what it was. So without warning, without the usual farewell banquet, without the usual senior privilege of assisting with tryouts-- we were kicked off the team. MY team. Elektra Blue was over for me, forever. And I barely had enough time to blink.

Meanwhile, I had dropped out of a lot of STUCO responsibilities due to all the other mayhem, and I could tell I was a disappointment. It was written all over everyone's faces. I wasn't at all the Student Body Officer I'd promised to be, and sadly I never recovered that image the rest of the year.

The Choir season was drawing to a close. My role as a respected, revered, member of the choir waved goodbye to me as I stood helplessly on the stage at our last concert. Who was I going to be without this part of my identity?

Finally, (on April Fools Day no less... how fitting!), after enduring months of confusion, crippling panic attacks, and irreversible pain from being slung on a hook and towed in and out of my boyfriend's interests-- it was finally over. Relief was the emotion I experienced at first in great, calming waves-- it became so much easier to think and breathe and concentrate without his WEAK indecision choking me every second. But oh, how the pain set in. A huge (perhaps TOO huge) piece of me was suddenly torn away... a piece I had become quite comfortable with over the last year and a half. Who was I without him? Did I even know? The confusion and hurt completely tore me to pieces inside, but we tried to remain friends. ---> HUGE. COLOSSAL. MISTAKE.

My close-knit group of friends, as well as my small group, was suddenly about to get ripped apart at the seams. We were all scattering like the four winds to different colleges, jobs, and stations in life. I'd never EVER been without my group before. I'd known most of them since birth... we'd grown up together. How was I going to face any part of life without them there beside me???

Though I didn't admit the struggle willingly, I was losing my mom to her preoccupation with my Grandma, and I was losing my Grandma to her battle with Alzheimer's. Of course I was selfish-- and on two accounts. For one: it was MY senior year for crying out loud. I wanted MY mom to be focussed on ME. I know she tried and she fought to be there for everything, but the jealousy was still there, and it was crushing my spirit. For two: I finally get a chance to get to know my grandma-- a chance to live within a 10 mile radius of her! -- and God decides he wants to take her away. She didn't get to come to any of my things. She didn't know me anymore. I couldn't stand visiting her, as much as I wanted to, because she wasn't my Grandma anymore. We never got a chance.

prom. high school graduation. childhood. everything slipped through my fingers so fast that spring.

My former boyfriend tried to get back together with me at Prom (to which we went together), but without any real sort of commitment. I was thrilled. Two weeks later? He's with another girl. WHAT happened to that sweet, wonderful, virtuous guy I'd given my trust to? I only wish I knew--even still. Oh, and you want to know what the absolute KICKER is? He came back-- apologizing and asking for my forgiveness, claiming he wanted me back, eventually-- a second time. And a third. And a FOURTH. Of course I fell for it like the staggering little idiot I was.

I had to watch my Grandma slip away in the hospital mere hours before her passing, and to triple the pang of that arrow through my heart, i had to watch my own mother experience her quiet pain, helplessly, at the same time. Everything happened so fast. It felt like a dream, and my heart had never felt more wrenched and burdened for the loss we all suffered. It hurt so much more than I expected it to.
---> This all happened the week before I was supposed to move in for my first semester of college.

AND you guessed it-- the catalyst of it all (i.e. my eating disorder/self-image obession) imploded upon itself. At first the effects were kind of nice-- I stopped eating all-together out of remorse for my suddenly imbalanced life and my weight dropped to the lowest it's ever been. I had absolutely no desire to eat, to feed the body which housed an identity that had been stretched into something completely foreign to me. But that didn't last forever-- of course I gained it all back and then some, feeding my panic and depression the only way I knew how. I couldn't seem to exercise anymore-- there was no motivation. There was no point. I had no idea who I was anymore.

and the light-bulb clicked.

i didn't know who i was anymore.

i'd lost the identity and reputation i'd spent so many years in my tiny town/high school cultivating.
i'd.
lost.
everything.

but wait. had i?
what had become "everything" to me?
my identity had become durably rooted in things and accomplishments and people.

and therein lay my problem.

Now bear in mind, I'd kept the whole God thing pretty much out of the picture i painted above... and for good reason.
Honestly, through all of that... He really wasn't much of a focal point.
As much as I pretended He was on the outside, on the inside I failed constantly to factor my God in to the equations I kept trying to solve.
I couldn't find a place for Him. He was too big, too intangible, too... God. And I didn't want to admit I'd lost control.

Plus, I'd lost a lot of faith in the whole "religion of Christianity" thing.
But don't judge-- just listen.

I grew up in a Christian home. I always had Christian friends.
Peer pressure? Sure, it existed for me-- but mainly I dealt with the kind that told me to be a good girl:
"Go to church! Make good grades! Tithe! Be respectful! Watch your language! Stay out of trouble!"

I had my share of struggles along the way, common-place for most any teenage girl living in our world, but I was a Christian-- I was supposed to deal with my issues in a Godly way:
"Pray. Read your Bible. Seek wise counsel from your elders."

noticing a trend here?
well, I certainly did.

my big epiphany occurred the summer before my Senior year started.

I was faced with many a tough question...
"Is Christianity really supposed to be about following all these rules?"
"Man, I make a lot of mistakes... is it worth trying to figure this thing out anymore?"
"How does the Love and Selflessness that Jesus talked about so much fit into these constricting religious formulas?"

Everything I'd ever been taught to believe in and live by seemed suddenly very unstable.
It wasn't long before my genuine curiosity developed into cynicism. Instead of continuing to ask questions and seek the truth, I began to poke holes in everything I considered "wrong" or "corrupted."
I turned my nose up at Christianity and nit-picked it to pieces, becoming quite the skeptic. My thirst for real understanding was quenched with quick judgements and burned into an angry, sardonic fire.

To my peers, of course, I still played the part I'd always played. But internally, I refused to follow all the rules I was taught were necessary in order to live a Christian life-- my own personal vindictive formula for dealing with the empty hole in my heart that silently ate away at me.

The problem?

I knew something was off, but all I did to rectify the imbalance was sit back and point out all the flaws I could find. I was too distracted to go about finding real answers-- finding a SOLUTION.

So I took on this new discovery from a different angle.The "truth" that had bound me together throughout my Christian youth no longer held-- suddenly bombarded with these novel insights, it just wasn't strong enough. I was terrified that my crumbling identity as a follower Christ would be exposed. My insecurity couldn't afford to be made public.

and so I wove a new identity, building upon the instability of my fragile, human reputation in my insignificant little world.

first things first--

1. New appearance. If I appeared beautiful and in-control on the outside, surely no one would be the wiser. Everything else underneath would be my business, and my business only.Everyone would be jealous, of course. I would find pleasure in it-- secretly... but it was the fix I needed to feed my desire for affirmation.

2. Socially I was a little butterfly. I lazily flitted around and had my selfish way with everyone such that I hardly worked at anything. My relationships were only present in my life because they were convenient--which sure made it easy. I didn't have to contribute at all, yet I still had automatic friends. Perfect.

3. Boyfriend? Check. Everyone would assume that if I had secured a boy like mine, I was something special. If he thought I was worth it, then I was. His encouragement and support meant the world to me. And I depended on him to assure me of my progress on task number one-- he played a dual role, you see.

4. Status? You bet. A member of the Student Body, the top Choirs, Elektra Blue... all my important positions filled me up with plastic joy.
And it was never enough.

Because all of those things were temporary... fleshly, tangible things of this earth, which moth and rust destroyed. Plus, all that running from the insistent truth tugging on my heart was waring me out...

it was there... at the end of my rope, when I hit rock bottom and saw everything that I had sucked dry to fill the gaping hole inside of me...

i encountered Jesus.

i encountered the insurmountable love, unfailing grace, and compassionate mercy that he'd been wanting to give me all along.

everything that he offered-- a life of faith and freedom-- had been right under my nose the whole time.

yet i had been far too busy finding my own means of sustenance, and nearly ran myself ragged in the process. i was absolutely parched for the truth.
so my Savior had finally convinced me to come to the well and drink deep the joy of a life in Him.

does that mean life suddenly became a breezy walk in the park?
quite the contrary. my problems didn't up and disappear by any means.
but i finally had the peace of Jesus dwelling within me that helped me conquer each day with a little more vigor.

sure, there are days when i push it away and try to sink back into the ease of my old hiding hole.but i always have hope.
because:
Unlike my social status, my identity in Christ remains constant.
Unlike my boyfriend, my Jesus is never going to give up on me.
Unlike my own self-image, the beauty the Lord sees in me is exquisite and enthralling.

i know these things to be true.
even when it is hard to accept them, i know that their verity never fades.
and it is a comfort beyond anything this world can offer, i promise everyone that much.

so i am building upon this foundation now.
starting over, rebalancing the scales.
in learning to rebuild who i am, i am learning to embrace this life i've been given and love the people i am sharing it with.

"Time is such a wonderful, gloriously frightening part of existence. And God definitely uses it to administer His works. For one, time has such a strange numbing power. Every day it gets a little easier... easier to forget, easier to brush it off, easier to move on and dedicate myself to pressing on toward something bigger and better waiting in the distance for me. I admit that at times the process seems painfully slow-- especially when I dwell on each passing moment individually... but collectively, it's amazing how far I have journeyed already."

slow a process as it may be, there is healing in my heart today.
and... there is still a lot of work to be done.

but not to worry.

my Jesus was kind of cut-out for this particular line of work.
He comes highly recommended.
give Him a call. :)