A (Semi) Organized Stream of Conciousness

Let's take a break from these philosophical probings of life's purpose, shall we?

Here's a little something that might tell you more than you ever wanted (or will ever need) to know about this crumb of dust...

Written On December 21, 2008:

1. My shoulder really hurts right now, and I, for the life of me, can't seem to pinpoint a reason why. I haven't done any heavy lifting recently, I haven't slept on it abnormally (doing that actually seems to help, oddly enough), and I haven't had any memorable accidents. Additionally, the really weird thing is the fact that it doesn't start hurting until I hold it in one position for a long-ish period of time. Then it is on fire... a dull, yet roaring fire that makes any kind of position I try to contort myself into thereafter increasingly uncomfortable. Hmm. Diagnosis, anyone? (Update: I went to see a medical professional in early January, and was diagnosed with an excessive amount of stress, which externalized itself through my upper back/particularly my right shoulder. I was prescribed some muscle relaxers and a stint of physical therapy. Since then, everything has been primarily peachy keen).

2. Time is such a wonderful, gloriously frightening part of existence. And God definitely uses it to administer His works. For one, time has such a strange numbing power. Every day it gets a little easier... easier to forget, easier to brush it off, easier to move on and dedicate myself to pressing on toward something bigger and better waiting in the distance for me. I admit that at times the process seems painfully slow-- especially when I dwell on each passing moment individually... but collectively, it's amazing how far I have journeyed already. (Update: Even though it feels like I've endured 10 years of pushing through this wall of hurt, confusion, and devestation since I wrote this, it's only been a little over a month. But God is good, and time is an instrument of His goodness. I'm not there yet, to the resolution-- and won't be for a good while-- but I have hope and the promise of the completion of His good work. And that is enough for now).

3. I don't know if anyone can relate to or understand this (though I'm sure more people have the ability than will admit it), but... I have changed. Physically. And... I really don't care. Well, maybe that's not it-- not that I don't care, but more that the paranoia and perfectionism don't swallow me whole anymore. It's odd. I feel like they should, and I keep waiting for them to arrive... but they don't. Hm. I don't kill myself with constant physical activity anymore. I don't limit myself to 1,000 calories a day (stupid stupid STUPID idea, by the way). I can't exactly fit into the tiny pair of jeans I used to be able to squeeze my malnourished body into last year... but I'm not having a panic attack. This, my friends, looks like evidence of progress. Please let me enjoy this refreshing change of pace. :) (Update: Props to Jesus on this one, folks. He never ceases to amaze. Things are still progressing as they have been--I eat an almost abnormal amount of vegetables, drink a ton of water, and try to get in 30 minutes of exercise a day, and I'm doing it because it makes me feel alive and healthy, not because it makes me feel skinny. Those days are over, thank you very much).

4. Sometimes it hits me that we're never going to all be together again. Hm. What a sobering thought. Sure, we have that age-old fantasy of all growing up and moving into a neighborhood together, but honestly... how realistic is that? People change, people move on, people choose different paths... we're all scattering. I feel like I'm just on hold sometimes, waiting for the time to come when we'll all finally be back together permanently... but I don't think that day is coming. I'm never going to be able to expand my life or discover my purpose if I don't let go of that silly, hopeless little dream... and so, that is what needs to happen. "Refining Process Number 2" for Jesus and Kelsey to start work on. (Update: Refining Process Number 2 is underway, and I have been given the peace to accept the fact that things need to change... life is swirling around us and and we have to bend and stretch with it. BUT I have also realized that change is not an end, but a begining of a new journey [excuse me for the cliché]-- "I'll come back when you call me. No need to say goodbye." )

5. I have a really bad temper. I apologize if you've ever had to put up with it. Just one of those ugly tendencies I struggle with as a human. Be patient with me. ( Update: Ha. Sorry to break it to you, but yep... I'm STILL human. My temper still plagues me sometimes, especially when I am lacking sleep and precious time with my Savior. It's a work in progress.)

6. I believe I'm switching my major/minor combo to English Education and TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages... I assume, anyway). I just want to have some sort of skill or training that will be useful in service-- something I can contribute to those in need. Anthropology is indeed incredibly fascinating, but... how much good am I going to be able to accomplish if all I can do is study people's cultural habits? ... ---> Exactly. ( Update: I did end up changing my major/minor. Guess what? I absolutely love it and the possibilities of where God might take me with this. Over spring break, I've been given the opportunity to travel to El Salvador again and share life with my family there. I have learned that in addition to this we are going to be working with English students in schools/Universities, which is the type of ministry God has laid upon my heart. Man, is He good at orchestrating life or what?)

7. This is my first Christmas without my Grandma. This is my first Christmas as a College Student. This is my first Christmas of "Singledom" since 2006. A lot of changes. It's going to be hard. But not unmanageable. :) (Update: Honestly... this past Christmas was one of the hardest Christmases I've had in a while-- for a number of reasons beyond what is listed above. But again I will say it: He is good, and He is producing good through it all). :-)

8. The other night I was in the kitchen with my impatient, hungry puppy, and somehow I came up with the idea that it would be funny to get out some powdered sugar and sprinkle it all over his dark black fur. This amused me far more than it should have. It looked like he'd just experienced the begining of a fresh snowfall. I thought it made him look festive. My mom thought surely I had been out drinking. Eh, what can you do? (Update: What on earth...? ha.)

9. I'm really interested in learning about the economy and world affairs of the like. I want to have an opinion-- and until I am cured of my ignorance, that's not really possible. I need a wise educator to enlighten me... any takers? (Update: Seriously, any takers?) ;-)

10. If I'm ever acting a bit more eccentric than normal, see if you can find out if I've consumed a lot of caffienated tea recently. That is probably your best bet in terms of an explanation. (Update: My addiction to tea has, if anything, grown stronger in the past few weeks.