Maybe I Did Something...

Let's face it, blogspot world: I've got some trust issues goin on.

Ever since I found out Santa Claus was just a distraction that took advantage of my naivete so my parents could sneak around dropping presents under a tree behind my back (bitter much? maybe), I have been accompanied with that cynical little voice inside my head, which constantly reminds me: "No matter how genuine people seem, there's always the possibility that they're lying to you through their teeth."

Resulting repercussions? You bet.

It effects every relationship I ever enter into-- with a friend, or with a boy, or with an authority figure.
On top of the fact that I somehow came up with the rule that if anyone ever wrongs me, it has stemmed out of something I did. I must have messed it up... I must have provoked them to deceive me.

How does that make sense? I assume everyone out there must have some kind of ulterior motive buried beneath the veneer... yet when they actually prove me right, I end up blaming myself...?

Right now, it's kind of difficult not to let doubtful thoughts and feelings consume me.

My second semester of college is almost over, and looking back on everything, I've gained SO much-- but I can't ignore what I've lost.

My best friend since birth doesn't feel the need to call me so much anymore, and doesn't seem to want to recriprocate my investments. I'm always the last to know-- always on the back burner... is it because she's decided I'm not important enough to keep up with anymore? Hmm... It's probably because I've done something. Maybe I haven't invested quite as much as I thought I had.

Someone I looked up to adoringly the past couple of years-- a beautiful woman of God with an amazing passionate, selfless heart and character-- has forgotten me. There've been so many times when I have wanted to call her and attempt to plan a hang-out date, but she's busy planning a wedding and a future... I probably wasn't ever that important, anyway. I must've done something wrong-- said something... maybe I was kind of a jerk to her brother sometimes.

Some of the people I live with planned an event and went somewhere without me this evening-- I wasn't invited. I didn't really want to go, but I wasn't a part of the plan. I must've done something. One of them must secretly dislike me... that's got to be it.

My parents are too busy catering to my brother to be concerned with what's going on with me here in Springfield. They probably don't miss me... they must be fine with me being gone. Maybe I did something...


^^ Kind of warped, eh?
I realize this.
I understand this kind of thinking is corrupted and overly sensitive.
But it's honesty, and right now that's what I've got.

I think this calls for some time well-spent with Jesus... ;)