Tecumseh...

Sometimes, you don't feel like reading a biography on Tecumseh (for which you must write a 2- page summary, due in 3 days).
Sometimes, you don't feel like making flash-cards for the Spanish test you have on Wednesday.
Sometimes, you don't feel like even reading the spark-notes version of Melville's Billy Budd for your English class.
Sometimes, you don't feel like printing off and committing the massive study guide for your Political Science final to memory.

Sometimes, you just feel like sitting and thinking.
Not because you have to, but because you can.

Well, that's me tonight, folks.
And what might I be thinking about?
Glad you asked. (Though I would've told you anyway.) ;-)

1. I am a girl of simple taste-- at least, the Lord is molding me into one. But although that characteristic can apply to many facets of who I am becoming, right now I sit here thinking about how insipid my actual physical appetite has become... to be frank, I like bland-tasting food. Plain, unadorned food. Give me two pieces of wheat bread, some turkey, and a slice of cheese, and I'm satisfied. Hamburger on a bun, nothing else? Yes, please. A pancake, sans-syrup? Bring it on. Saltine crackers without the salt? You've got the right idea. I, on the other hand, have NO idea where this affinity for tastelessness came from.
Wait-- scratch that. Tastelessness was a poor choice of words.
Maybe the fact that I enjoy my food in the most natural state possible, is because I want to savor a certain kind of taste. A real, genuine kind of taste.
I don't want to miss out on the meaty-goodness of ground beef because it's smothered in ketchup, mustard, lettuce, cheese, and the like.
I don't want to ruin the rich flavor unique to a floret of broccoli by stifling it with sodium and butter.
So let's change my opening description of my choice foods from "bland-tasting" to "natural-tasting". That makes much more sense.
I'd like to encourage anyone who reads this to utilize this technique sometime. Maybe you won't stick to it, but it's probably worth a try. :)

2. People probably perceive me as someone who is usually quite passive in nature. Those people are likely not too far off the mark. I'm not great at making decisions for myself-- I generally try to do what's best for everyone, even if that means I have to sacrifice (note-- this isn't being said to make me sound like a saint or anything... I'm just trying to illustrate a point). ;) I usually fall into the category of "flee-er" rather than "fighter", and I almost always try to avoid confrontation if at all possible. I don't get mad easily. I give people the benefit of the doubt probably twenty times more often than I should.
Oh, but if only you knew the whole story.
Contrary to popular belief, a fairly healthy dose of aggression runs through my veins-- it's kind of what you might call a family trait. (Yes... it's true). I think I've had to adopt a more passive attitude towards things because, naturally, I could really get into some trouble with my attitude. I actually have a surprisingly large capacity for anger and belligerence-- it's something Jesus has been working on in me, but I still have a pretty firm grip on a lot of it. SO, it's safe to say, that in order to keep myself from really "losing my cool", I have subconsciously trained myself not to care. I know a considerable lot of things that just aren't worth fighting for if I'm going to explode in the process. (**Keep in mind, I'm definitely not claiming credit for this "training"-- what I refer to as my subconscious is most notably the Lord. He's been developing this tendency in me, I'm sure... because He undoubtedly knows what would happen otherwise). ;)
In conclusion, I'm usually pretty chill. I trust the Lord to convict me when to be adamant and stubborn and aggressive... otherwise, I figure it's just as useless as dust in the wind.
That's how it works most of the time, anyway. :)

3. Lately I've been pondering spiritual gifts with my Father-- specifically, wondering what mine is/are, and how He'd have me use it/them.
Good gravy... it has been a confusing process. (I almost wrote "consuming" instead of "confusing" on accident... but I guess that word would be somewhat fitting as well.) ;)
What I think the Lord has been revealing to me, slowly but surely, is that at least part of the spiritual gift He has instilled in me is that of empathy.
"Well, that makes sense," I remember thinking.
It's insane, but I've always been able to feel right alongside my fellow human beings. And this is intense feeling we're talking about here.
I'm definitely not saying I'm the only one who can feel empathetic (oh goodness, no, that'd be downright absurd)-- but I think people sometimes have a blurred perception of the definition of empathy, and how it differs from sympathy. Do you feel a vocabulary lesson coming on? If so, your feelings are accurate.

Sympathy: feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.
Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, as if they were one's own.

(Thank you, Oxford American Dictionary).

Here are a few examples:
- When I found out Lara Casey was getting married, I got so excited I cried a little. I immediately called everyone on my speed dial to let them know. Man, I was filled with so much elation that it could've been my own engagement I was spreading the news about... I just felt it-- the joy and the happiness that is my sister's was also a little bit of mine for a moment, too. (*Note: Lara, I'm sorry if I spread the news of your engagement too impulsively. I know you said it was okay to let people know, but I'm not sure if I ever told you how I went about doing that... haha).
- I remember walking down the streets of Washington D.C. when I was about 14, and for the first time in my life, I had the chance to see what real, honest homelessness is.
Heartbreaking. Oh man. I could hardly stand it-- one of the few times in my life that I haven't been able to control the waterworks. As I walked down those crowded streets, lined with government buildings and world-renowned museums, tears streaming down my cheeks and lungs heaving, I felt the pain and the desperation and the loneliness... deep down, somewhere in the pit of my stomach.

So I think the spirit has revealed to me this part of my gift. The next step, and quite possibly the most difficult and ambiguous step, is being patient as it is revealed to me how to go about using this gift. How do I serve? What am I specifically equipped to do?

That's where I am right now. And if you know me at all, you know my patience department has a tendency run out-of-stock.
If you're the praying kind, and if you happen to remember, you can be mentioning this deficit of mine when talking to the Father. :)
..............................................................


Ahhhh. Yes. Catharsis.

Sometimes, you just feel like sitting and thinking.

But sometimes, you have to disregard fleeting "feelings" and focus on the nagging tasks before you.
And for me, that time has arrived. That time is now.
Tecumseh, here I come...

(*Note: I wrote and finished my paper on Tecumseh, a full 18 pages worth, in a period of less than twenty-four hours. This is not an experience I would advise anyone to try and recreate for themselves. That is all). :)