crumb of dust

Missouri Christmases and Zechariah's Song

2010-12-24T23:48:00.006-06:00

It's Christmas Eve.
And it's a very important one for the Waters fam-- the nuclear fam that consists of me, the mom, the dad, and the bed-ridden brother. It's our first Christmas in Missouri (we usually spend it in Georgia with extended family) since 1989, folks. And, for those of you counting, I was born in '90, so... do the math. ;) The reason behind our change in plans was sudden; it is also the reason behind why I referred to my brother as "bed-ridden." He had to receive emergency surgery Wednesday to repair some damage from an old soccer injury, which postponed our trip; after looking at this weekend's forecast, the trip went quickly from postponed to canceled.
Now, there's talk of embarking on the trip a day or two after Christmas-- which is exactly time I'm scheduled to head to Denver, CO for a Campus Crusade Christmas conference. So, sadly, if the annual GA Christmas trip takes place, I will, for the first time in my life, not be tagging along.
Weird and slightly sad, but I'm okay with it :)--
Mainly because I was blessed with opportunities to see both sides of my extended family during the semester, as they decided to come to US during my fall and thanksgiving breaks.

It's been an interesting past few days, then. I'm really enjoying this here Christmas break, even if it does look different than to what I'm accustomed. So far I have:

*had lunch with two dear friends at the Tea Garden-- a long-time local cafe/restaurant that's unfortunately going out of business
*gone out for Sushi and to the movies with my dear roommate
*ordered TWO Christmas gifts on Amazon (they both arrived right on time! imagine that...)
* spent some LOVELY time in Harrisonville/Kansas City with my wonderful boyfriend/his family/my friend Emily (who is also a H-ville resident)
--> I must add that Kyle planned a fun KC date of P.F. Chang's on the Plaza, Ice-Skating at Crown Center, and dessert at Skye's rotating restaurant! He's a good one, he is.
*contracted a nasty cold
*decorated Christmas cookies with da fam
* had a hair-dying party (mine is now a lovely shade of dark auburn) with my dearest HS girlfriends
*skyped my grandparents in GA and my sweet friend Lindsay P!

This list is full of fun and very very good things that I have supremely enjoyed, but it makes very little mention of the one most vital and life/peace/joy/hope/rest- giving thing of my existence-- and that, my friends, is (you guessed it!) Jesus.

Of course, Jesus was present in my ice skating and sushi eating and hair-dying... don't get my wrong. I believe that he fully delights in my joy and in these earthly relationships that I love so much-- but I also believe that above all else, he delights in my bringing him Glory and Honor, and the gift of my open heart.

Let's be honest, it's been a while since I've cracked open a Bible for more than 5 minutes. In fact, that's what I was doing before I came here to write this-- though I fully intend to return to the Word after I've shared what I discovered to be so important.

Reading Luke, I came upon Zechariah's Song, and it might as well be mine own. This HUGE HUGE gift of Messiah, of Emmanuel, is more powerful than we tend to make it when Christmastime rolls around. I've been deeply convicted the past couple of years to remember that Christmas is not Martin Luther King Jr. Day-- we're not just celebrating a famous person's birthday. We are celebrating Jesus as the King and Savior who CAME, who DIED, who ROSE, and who is COMING AGAIN :D This is big news, human-kind! Open your ears, your eyes, your hearts! God is WITH us. He kept his promise 2,000-something years ago, and He keeps it still, as we await Jesus' return.

Zechariah got it. He knew that his son John was to "prepare the way of the Lord." And he knew what this would mean for the world. Read his song and let it be your own-- joyfully and expectantly welcoming our LORD into this fallen world:

"Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel,
because he has come and has redeemed his people.
He has raised up a horn of salvation for us in the house of his servant David
(as he said through his holy prophets of long ago),
salvation from our enemies and from the hand of all who hate us--
show mercy to our fathers and to remember his holy covenant,
the oath he swore to our father Abraham;
to rescue us from the hand of our enemies, and to enable us to serve him without fear, in holiness and righteousness before him all our days."

Luke 1: 68-75

The Blah-gging Mood

2010-11-10T21:25:00.002-06:00

I'm in a Media/Technology class this year-- it's part of my education degree. One of my assignments has been to create a blog, and it has sparked a new excitement for blogging in these bones. I've spent the past hour or so browsing the internet for new blog templates... it's addicting. And I don't like it. Except that I do... oh so very much. :)

Anyway. Prepare for this post to be simple and to-the-point. My eloquence is lacking tonight!

Some things about life in Freddy 458...

- What's Freddy 458? Oh, yeah. It's my dorm room. Yep. I moved back into the dorms. Chrissy and I felt the Lord leading us here to live among freshmen girls and minister/be Jesus to them. It's not at all where I expected to find myself at this point in my college career (location-wise), but it's a beautiful place to be, I have found. And despite the lies the enemy tries to feed me daily, it is making a difference. I'm loving it.

- Becoming more okay with a simple life after college. Those dreams of going abroad and living in the slums and teaching English to impoverished children are not gone-- but I'm becoming more okay with that story being someone else's, not mine. I'm okay with serving the Lord by being a plane jane high school English teacher. Nothing is at all set in stone for me (the future is just as wide and gaping as it ever was), but my heart has been softened toward this possibility. We'll just have to wait and see what He's got planned. :)

- Along with that ^, going on staff with Campus Crusade (for at least a year or two) is becoming more of a possible reality as well. That's kind of exciting, eh?

- I'm learning a lot about how distorted my view of the Lord is. Hard, but so so good. :)

- Kyle has managed to get stitches in both his hands (to repair injuries from two totally separate incidences) since the beginning of the semester. He's a little bit accident-prone. But he's still wonderful-- an instrument of the Lord to me daily for encouragement, peace, and compassion, etc. etc. etc... We've been dating for almost 10 months now! Praise Jesus for this beautiful blessing.

- I actually try to read for my classes this year. It makes school a heck of a lot easier. Imagine that! :)

- My love for coffee/coffee shops is continuously growing. I think that's... great. :)

- I miss having a kitchen, but I like that I have so many friends who live off campus who generously let me borrow theirs when I need to. :)

- There are probably a tonnnn of things that have happened that I'm forgetting. And this is something I've learned about myself-- just because I forget about it, doesn't mean it wasn't important. I just forget a lot of things... often.

Until I'm inspired again,

Kelsey :)

Bring Me A Dream

2010-11-01T21:32:00.003-05:00

Last night, I had the coolest dream.
Well, sort of.
It was kind of violent and I woke up feeling slightly anxious and disturbed.
But then I remembered the dream in its entirety and my anxiety melted into a weird kind of awe.

So here's the scene my subconscious conjured up for me while I slept:

I'm in a nice, well-furnished room in a house owned by an upper-middle-class black family: a man, a woman, and a gender neutral baby (at least from what I know). The man's occupation? A sailor. (ha.) At the beginning of the dream, as is normally the case, I'm merely an observer... I'm in the movie, but I'm not actually a character. I'm an outsider. Anyway, now that we've established my point of view...
I'm not sure what altercation had previously taken place, but somehow this black couple had got into a lot of trouble with some mafia-type gangsters. Two of them, I think. The baby had been taken away, and the sailor-husband was bound and gagged in another room. The woman is lying on her belly on the floor behind one of the couches in the room that I am also in. She is hiding from the mafia men. One of the mafia men comes in the room to search for her. She is terrified. I stand in the corner and wait for something to happen, I guess. When he finally discovers her (there was really no way for her to escape), he holds a gun to her head, but he doesn't shoot. She moves to the couch and sits down with him. The mafia man's accomplice comes in the room. He looks a lot like Peter Pettigrew, from the Harry Potter movies. Of the two, he's clearly the side-kick. Maybe they interrogated the woman (who, while I'm at it, bears slight a resemblance to Michelle Obama) or discussed their next move.

Suddenly, in marches Mr. Sailor. The mafia men calmly ask how he managed to escape.

"Because I'm a Sailor!" the man replies. (I have no idea why the sailor thing was so important-- but it was.)

Peter-Pettigrew-man whips out his gun and shoots sailor-husband. I, the observer, am shocked.

The head-mafia-guy must have been shocked too, because he promptly re-aimed his gun at his side-kick and shot him in the eye (yes, the eye), then twice in the back, and then once in the shoulder. At this point I'm about be sick in my own dream. Realizing that I am actually in complete control of the situation, I start to wonder if I should abort.

But then, something hits me. Peter-Pettigrew-mafia-man is not yet dead-- though he probably should be in reality. Knowing his life is hanging by a thread and could end at any moment, I take on a more active role and officially enter the world of the the mafia/sailor/Michelle-Obama drama (dang, I couldn't have planned that rhyme any better).

I rush to the aide of P-man (that's what we'll call our Peter-Pettigrew look-alike from now on) and the first thing I say to him is this: "Have you ever heard gospel of Jesus Christ?"

He says no.

"I have to tell you! Can I tell you? This is important. You need to hear this-- you could die any moment!"

I launch into evangelism-mode. P-man listens intently as I explain the significance of God's perfect plan for creation and our destruction of it. I tell him of our separation from the Lord because of our pitiful sinful nature. I claim the truth about God's supreme justice and the need for our sin to be punished. I preach the gospel message of Jesus Christ and the freedom he offers us by his sacrifice. I invite my horribly injured dream-friend to accept this good news as truth and live his life (the minutes of it that remain) nestled deeply in the bosom love of Christ.

Seriously. In complete clarity. It's the only part of my dream that really made sense.
And it's the part that changed what could have been a downright unsettling nightmare into one of the coolest dreams I've had in a while.
Because really, this dream made me aware of two things:

1. They say (I don't know who 'they' are, but I feel like they're credible) that what you dream about can indicate something you know well or have learned well and has been brewing in your mind. I remember my first dream in (accurate!) Spanish two years ago, when I was in the midst of trying to learn it, and being super excited because "I must really be absorbing it if I can do it in my sleep!" Maybe it's a stretch, but I feel like it's semi-significant if I can share the gospel clearly and concisely in a dream. It means I've got it on the brain (cool!) AND I'm able to grasp it even in my subconscious (double cool!)

2. The urgency and brazenness conveyed by my dream self in sharing the gospel kind of struck me as relevant. For dream-Kelsey, it was perfectly natural for her immediate thoughts regarding the dying man before her to be "I MUST TELL YOU ABOUT JESUS!" For real-life Kelsey, the situation is slightly different. Real-life Kelsey goes to a state university in the midwest-- she attends classes in the late morning and afternoon. She does homework and completes reading assignments when she can find the motivation. She lives in a residence hall filled to the brim with 700 + other students (mainly freshmen-- and mainly girls). She follows and loves Jesus the best she can, and when she has a free moment she goes to casually share about him on her campus. She doesn't live in a world of mafia-type gangsters or crime-scene dramas... but nonetheless, the dream world and the real world are more similar than real-life Kelsey allows herself to admit most of the time.

I am faced with hundreds and hundreds of wounded, dying people every day. I can look in the mirror and see a former wounded, dying person who has been mercifully healed and redeemed by Christ. And should my response to the death I'm unfortunately surrounded by in this concrete world be any different than that of my ridiculous dream-self's response? I have to admit that I think the dream-Kelsey that appeared in my dream last night might have more of a handle on evangelism than the Kelsey whose fingers are currently typing this. I wonder what would happen if I decided that tomorrow I was going to approach everyone like P-man-- with a "This can't wait!" kind of attitude. Granted, if I actually ran around the university screaming about everyone's pending death, I might be arrested and the message of the gospel would likely be lost in my fanaticism. Definitely don't want that.

But really. Do I see the faces of my peers and classmates and realize the gravity of their fate without Jesus? Despite what they do or how they act or what they say, am I so apathetic that I do not have compassion upon them and long to tell them the truth of the gospel?

Something to think about.

Most of my dreams are completely ridiculous. This one included.
But who's to say the Lord can't use figments of my subconscious imagination to reveal truth to me?
He's creative enough. He's innovative enough. I wouldn't put it past him. :)

End of the Road

2010-04-29T00:14:00.002-05:00

Well, blogging world, it's been a substantial "while."

At a job interview today, I was asked if I ever read for fun.
"I'd like to," I responded.
Dang. I let that simmer for a minute... when's the last time I read something because I wanted to?

The interviewer went on: "Do you write for fun?"
Dang,again-- "...I used to."

My forlorn responses solicited empathetic laughter from my interviewer, a former student of English and Theatre. He's been all up in this rut I'm experiencing now. It's almost ironic how much I have resisted books and blogging and writing things down ever since I started to study English here at Missouri State. Burn-out syndrome has definitely set in, folks. And I've only been here two years so far...

Speaking of which... two years. Good gravy. I just can't seem to soak it up enough.
Am I really 20? Am I really almost a JUNIOR in college?
I'm probably going to be asking those questions of myself until the day I die (i.e. Am I really 40?"; "Am I really a grandma?"; "Am I really in a nursing home right now?").
But really. I'm loving this journey He's taken me on. Never in a million years would I have thought I'd be here right now, if you asked the 17-year-old version of myself. But that's why He's in charge, not me. :)

And so, for posterity, here's a quick picture-y update on life this past semester...

Went to Denver Christmas Conference (in Denver, Colorado) with Campus Crusade and had an AMAZING experience... phenomenal speakers who challenged (and continue to challenge) my heart, and wonderful fellowship time with my fellow students. This picture is a group of my girls at the $5 prom that wrapped up the week. Un.for.gettable.

I turned 20! (I feel like I should be 16...) And my bff Chrissy threw me an amazingly secretive surprise party! A group of some of my favorite people congregated at Zio's for dinner to celebrate, and then several rounds of my fave. game, Bananagrams, at Potter's (local coffee shop that I love!).

This guy asked me out on a date. Italian food, Ice skating, and coffee at Rendevous. We dated for about two weeks, letting the Lord lead, and on January 30th, 2010, he (his name is Kyle Gilbert) asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted. And let me tell you, this man is incredible. Such a compassionate, dedicated pursuer of Jesus who challenges me, encourages me, and makes me laugh-- hard. :)

I've been more consistently involved with International Club (a ministry for International Students led by some really awesome people) and have developed such beautiful relationships! This is a picture of an authentic Chinese meal our friends Jimmy, Crystal, and Shawn made for us. Mouth watering-ly good.

CRU held a formal masquerade ball this semester! Note: I am the only one wearing a mask. It really was a masquerade, I promise.

My girl Amy came down to Springfield one Sunday and we visited the Unitarian Universalist Church here. This picture represents how we felt both during and after the service...

I love the people in this picture a lot. I only met them about a month ago. And I only spent about 24 hours with them. This, ladies and gents, is the team I'm following Jesus into the mission field with this summer. North Africa. 6 weeks. Less than a month before we leave. A small margin of my heart succumbs to fear every once in a while, but for the most part, I couldn't be more excited. I've already seen evidence of the Lord doing great things in North Africa and within the lives of my teammates. It's gonna be a crazy summer. :)

I went to the City Museum in St. Louis with some friends a few weeks ago, and it was awesome! My first driving experience in 'Da Lou' was a little less than enjoyable... but I hear that's not abnormal. :) Several of our International friends got to come too, which was a blast! Always love getting to spend time with them.
All's well on the relationship front. We even bought a lake house. (Just kidding... we just went to the lake and took a picture in front of it.) This Friday we will hit the 3-month mark! Kyle has blessed my heart more than I could have ever anticipated. There aren't enough positive adjectives in the dictionary to describe his wonderful-ness.

Went back to BHS Prom with my good friend Michael this past weekend. We had a blast, as always :)

Oh, don't worry. The dynamic duo is still very much in tact. And still very much... well, us. Living life, sharing burdens, acting like silly 6-year-olds at times. I thank Jesus for my sister and kindred spirit, Christinalinaritalya Leigh Shinn. (Okay, her first name's Christina. Or Chrissy. Whatever. I like to embellish.)

And that's about all I've got in me for now. It's taken me half of a day to kick this puppy out, and I'm noticeably less motivated to be creative and eloquent at this point...
I don't know when the next posting will be.
But I'm pretty sure I'm okay with that. :)

The Day Before Easter...

2010-04-03T17:37:00.001-05:00

I wrote my Heavenly Father a letter:

What a remarkable journey we have been on together this year, eh?

Bound by the guilt of my sin and trapped in the lies of failure and performance, I have found such freedom in your overpowering forgiveness. I know that I’ll be in the throes of learning your kind of grace for a long time coming, but this season of life has opened my eyes to yet another facet of life with You.

We celebrate Easter tomorrow—officially, as a body. I’ve been feeling guilty because the distractions of life and relationships and school and scheduling (all good things, when brought under your authority, I’ve realized) have been my focus lately, instead of the sacrifice that we’ll formally recognize tomorrow.

But I’m beginning to understand that while I’ve been hurtling a million miles a minute the past few months, and beating myself to a pulp when I fail to “measure up”, You’ve been stirring in my heart. At times, you’ve been silent, but you’ve been no less fully present in my struggle to grasp how truly gracious you can be.

You don’t require me to handle my time effortlessly, flawlessly. Sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I refuse to follow you into an uncomfortable situation and I miss an opportunity. Sometimes I distract myself with mindless activity instead of reading your word and praying and listening and… being. You don’t ask me to be a machine, producing good works for your approval. My time with you doesn’t always have to look a certain way in order to be “right” or “normal” or “on track.”

But… you are HOLY. You are RIGHTEOUS. You are flawless— WITHOUT SIN.

Shouldn’t you want holy, righteous, perfect, sinless people, Lord? Isn’t that what you deserve? (Answer: Absolutely.)

And herein lies the conflict. It is a conflict that should exist, but doesn’t—this conflict between our sinful nature and your perfect divinity. We cannot possibly, through any power of our own accord, be the people you deserve. And when it comes to what we ourselves deserve, well… it’s not much. It’s just death, really.

And it all comes back to this event that occurred some 2,000 years ago, which I’m going to sing about and reverently observe tomorrow.

How real you have made it for me this year, the heaviness of your sacrifice. I don’t have to live under the shame of my failure and selfishness. You are not an angry judge just waiting for me to screw up to a point where you have to take something away. My walk is not blameless because I am living blamelessly, but because Christ did, and He took my place. You left your throne and became the least of these so that we could live in freedom.

And so how could we ever be the same? How can we keep on living a life of works and performance?

“I don’t have to carry the weight of weight of who I’ve been, ‘cause I’m forgiven.”

Praise the One who paid our debt. This resurrection life cannot stay silent!

Oh. My. Goodness.

2010-02-01T17:02:00.004-06:00

Ohmygoodness Ohmygoodness... God is goood. Good enough for three o's. And a million or so more, if goodness levels were measured by the amount of o's between the 'g' and the 'd'.

I need to write a lot of things down here... sometime. I have a bounty of JOYOUS note-worthy things to report. Soon.

This Psalm has been the prayer of my heart these past few lovely days:

"You thrill me, Lord, with what you have done for me. I sing for joy because of what you have done!" --Psalm 92:4

He is faithful and SO DANG GOOD at orchestrating lives.

Details to come. :)

Eye of the Tiger

2009-12-08T16:35:00.003-06:00

Remember the super-athlete I used to be in High School?

... yeah, me neither.

However, this semester at MSU I was asked (possibly against someone's better judgment) to play on the Campus Crusade Co-ed Intramural Soccer Team! Or, for short: Cru Crew. :) With little to no help lent by my own mad skills, our team advanced to the championships and came out on TOP! (Yes, that means we won!) I love my Cru Crew! :)

However, a downside to being a part of this team (there really aren't any others-- and this really isn't even much of a downside) was the fact that our games were always at ridiculously late hours on school nights-- i.e. 10 or 11 pm. Additionally, our season lasted well into November, which means we played in freezing (okay, near freezing) temperatures! Sometimes, I must admit, it was hard to get motivated before a big game... which brings me to this video-- a pre-game dance session set to possibly one of the most motivational ballads of all time!

feast your eyes...

starring: kelsey waters (altenrate mid-fielder/defender for the Cru Crew champs) and chrissy shinn (loyal fan/soccer mom/house-mate/motivator extraoridanaire)

Feeling Listful

2009-10-13T16:07:00.004-05:00

(I'm not sure if that's a real word... but I like the way it sounds.)

I have a List Book. I started it this past summer. What is in this List Book?
Lists, of course.
I'm a list-maker by nature (my favorite during school season is the To-Do variety), and I decided it was high time I had a designated place to put all of my wonderful lists. Enter: a really pretty blank journal I hadn't found a use for yet.
If you are a list person, I highly recommend creating a List Book for yourself. Not only is it just an extremely cool thing to do, but I predict you will enjoy being able to look back on the lists you make from time to time. :) Some of the lists I've made are fun ones; others are deeper, and more thoughtful. Here are some examples I've used so far:

- WONDERFUL Movies
(which, of course I had to supplement with a "TERRIBLE Movies" list)
- Places I Want to Visit
- Musical Artists I Highly Enjoy
- Absolute FAVORITE Books
(I have to be judicious when picking items for this one, since so many books are good!)
- Those who have PROFOUNDLY influenced who I am
- Things I'd really rather NEVER do again in my entire life
(This one is funny, because I think I created it after a really long day of working at the cafeteria this summer, and the first item on the list is: VACUUM.) ;)
- Things My God Only Knows (Aka: Questions to Ask in Heaven)
- Lessons Learned in Hindsight

Etcetera, etcetera.

Does anyone have any suggestions for another list I should add to this book?
Please let me know if so. I would welcome any and all ideas.

As far as life goes, it is good. Not perfect, but definitely good. :)
Sometime, I'll update more specifically. When things slow down a little bit more, that is. :)

In the Valley

2009-09-29T12:12:00.004-05:00

It's no secret that this past week was kind of a rough one for me.
(Well, maybe it was a secret to those who lay eyes on this.)

So...anyway... in short: last week=not my best.

This morning I woke up and realized that this week has not started out very nicely either...

"Great." ---> sarcasm.

When I find the time, I'll sit back down and write out my exact thoughts regarding this particularly difficult/discouraging period of life... but for now I will conclude with these two points:

1. I know this "slump" is only temporary. Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me of that.
2. If you happen to think of it, please mention me to the Father if/when you get a chance. :)

El Fin. :)

Conversations

2009-09-14T15:07:00.005-05:00

Oh, life. You make me want to dance for joy sometimes.
Occasionally, you make me want to scream.
Right now, I'd say I'm swingin' right in the middle. It's a good place to be.

But really, any place is a good place to be when you're free in Christ.
Even the not-so-comfortable places.
I need to remember that.

Speaking of the word "comfortable", I tried teaching this word to my conversation partner, Muteb (He is from Saudi Arabia! How cool is that?) the other night. Through that experience, I have yet again come to the realization that English is truly a stupid language sometimes. I wrote down "c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e" on the memo pad we were using for illustrations, and told him, "This is how we write the word in English." Then, I penned beneath it the letters "c-o-m-f-t-e-r-b-l-e", and told him, "...but this is how we say it." He absolutely could not get that pronunciatin to come out of his mouth for some reason. I have decided that we (namely, I) definitely take for granted the fact that we (I, again) learned English as our first language.

"You have this saying about cats and dogs to mean it is raining very hard," Muteb says.
It takes me a minute to register with that one.
"Oh, yeah. 'It's raining cats and dogs.'"
"Why do you say that?"

Introspective moment.

"I honestly have no idea."

Anybody out there in the blogging world have an answer for me on that one?

Aside from all the English stuff we get to talk about, we've also had a lot of chances to talk about what we believe (which, as you might have guessed, is quite different). He seems very eager and curious about my views on religion (which was kind of hard to explain in basic English, considering the fact that I identify myself with Christ instead of with Christianity-- but I trust the Spirit took over where my human limitations could not reach), and is very open to talking about the differences. He's even expressed an interest in visiting a Christian church with me sometime. :)
All of that makes my heart want to explode with happiness, because anyone coming to know the real risen Savior it is definitely a reason to celebrate-- but I would like to ask for prayer in matters of wisdom, gentleness, patience, and discernment... etcetera-- to the max. I know my friend's salvation does not depend upon me, and I cannot make anyone accept the life-giving water that Christ has to offer the (often unknowingly) thirsty. Pray that seeds will be planted, in the very least. Pray that I do not forget that without Christ, I can do little (aka nothing)-- and that includes evangelism. Anything that happens does not happen because of anything I do. (I'm kind of preaching to myself here... because I know I'll need the reminding). :)

Just some thoughts that have been on my heart as of late, that I felt were worthy enough to share here.

On other notes--

*I'm going home this weekend for the first time (first whole weekend, I mean) since school started. I'm stoked. It is Homecoming, and by golly, I am coming home, Bolivar. :) While it kind of pains me to be absent from Springfield/MSU for 2 1/2 days, I cannot wait to be reunited with family and great old friends once again. :)
*I'm going to another CRU Small Group tonight, because one of the girls I met a couple weeks ago at PoHo (whom I hit it off with splendidly and really enjoy a lot!) is a leader, and invited Chrissy and I to come. Hopefully, I'm prayin', this will work out. If not, 'tis okay. I'm just waitin' on the Lord for His direction on this'n.
*Tomorrow I meet with the director of the Multicultural Center to go over orientation for my volunteer work there. I can't wait to get started there. :)
*In case it hasn't been made clear-- I'm SO glad I still get to take voice lessons this year.
*I made bread (thank you, lara weaver for the recipe!) this weekend, and we have two loafs and a ziploc bag of scrumptious rolls sitting downstairs in the pantry as a result. It takes every fiber of my being to resist peeling back the tin foil to sneak a pinch of the whole-wheat goodness every ten minutes. (Which I would totally be doing, if I had absolutely no will-power, and a more durable digestive tract).
*God is good, all the time. This will never cease to be true. Sometimes (last night, for example, after a good 30 minute workout, sitting on the porch swing and looking up at the sky) I sit and ponder what we (namely, Jesus and I) have come through over the past two years or so. A lot of times, I still find myself asking: "Why?". But I never doubt God's goodness, nor loose faith in the fact that His purpose is being played out all the while, even when it seems like I'm sitting in a ditch somewhere on the side of the road I'm supposed to be on, feeble and stagnant.
"God keeps His word even when the whole world is lying through its teeth." (Romans 3:6)

And His word is full of promise. Everywhere. Just look it up. :)

In a Nutshell

2009-09-09T20:18:00.003-05:00

I've never really been one to skimp on details... but for the sake of good time management (something I'm trying, by the grace of Jesus, to better comprehend) and conservation of space on this ole' thing, I'm going to make a generous attempt.
It has been about a week and a half since my last post, and I'm going to try and list only the most noteworthy happenings, so I can have a record (and so my parents can be updated on my life away from home):

- I attended the contemporary worship service at Second Baptist here in Springfield, and really felt connected there. I am almost certain I will return. Thank you Jesus, for answered prayers.
- My dear friend Michael gave a phenomenal performance at his piano recital last Sunday, which I attended after church (one of the benefits of being just close to home). That boy is blessed with an insane amount of talent. His humility inspires and encourages me. Michael=wonderful.
- Finally retrieved my smoothie-maker from home, along with some various items I discovered to be lacking in my world at MSU (namely, some more cook books, more blackberry loose-leaf tea, a dance workout DVD, and two pairs of jeans I forgot to pack).
- Had my first voice lesson Monday afternoon with Mr. Harris, and what a JOY it is to be settling back in that routine. The beauty is doubly enhanced by the fact that I get to take lessons with this wonderful guy for fun, on the side-- not for a grade, as I did last year. I am undeserving of his generosity in continuing to teach me on his own time. :)
- My education class is long. But it is good stuff, y'all. My professor is full of time-tested knowledge, with a few good stories thrown in there, too. :)
- I experimented with a Kraft FoodandFamily recipe on Monday night, making a cheaper, healthier version of chicken fajitas. It was wonderful. Needless to say, we are recreating that meal again in the near future.
- I slept in french braids on Monday night in hopes of somehow creating a hint of texture in my baby-fine hair... result: slight success. And yes, I deem this significant enough to make the list. :)
- My poetry class was canceled, so I spent the afternoon being semi-productive. I made some homemade crutons using our day-old bread, herbs, and olive oil (thanks to my Dad for that idea), made a trip to wal*mart to purchase two MORE $16.00 curtain panels for my room, cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes, and plenty of other things that I'm sure were important but have slipped from my memory throughout this past week.
- Family Dinner night at the LSC was delicious-- burgers from the grill and a veggie tray. De. Lish.
- Chrissy and I went to one of the Cru Small Groups in Wells Tuesday night, and it was great. However, when it comes to scheduling, it turned out to be not so great. We're going to try and go to one of the others at a more convenient time during the week.
- It rained on Wednesday, and in case you're unaware-- I'm not a huge fan of rain. Good thing it only rained for the first half of the day. :)
- I had a meeting with a rep from MSU's "Mentoring for Success" program downtown on Wednesday afternoon, and it went over quite well. I'm going to be volunteering at Springfield's Multicultural Center, with their after-school tutoring program for kids learning English as a second language. So cool these opportunities God's blessed me with that really are in tune with my heart. I feel like I'm getting the hang of some small part of His purpose for my little life here.
- Linguistics continues to hold the top spot, if I were to rank my classes in terms of my favorites. Which I do. Linguistics reminds me why I love English so much, when my lengthy reading assignments tempt me to believe otherwise.
- In my Ethnic Literature class, we are required to contribute to class discussion at least once a week. It's a 75-minute time period, and there are over 40 people in that class. Let's be honest-- not all of us are going to be reach that goal. Especially me. Yes, I wish that I could-- I wish that I could muster up enough courage to say what's on my mind before the person next to me beats me to it and voices the exact same thought I'd just debated sharing, making me want to kick myself (PLUS the idea is usually met with a positive response, no doubt, which makes me want to kick myself again). Needless to say, I'm still working on figuring out how to participate adequately. :)
- My Poetry class reminds me that I suck as a poet a lot more than I originally thought. WHICH... is awesome, as I'm sure you inferred. ;)
- Got to attend Mitchell's soccer game against Greenwood, which he (and the rest of his team, really) dominated (sort of; the score was 1-0). 'Twas lovely seeing the 'rents again, and getting to talk to some good ole' High School friends.
- Attended a small group (through The Vine) with Jessica, and I really liked it. I'm not sure if it's going to fit in my already kind-of packed schedule, but I'm still praying about that one. Details to come.
- FUSION... was awesome. Headed over to the theater with Kelsey 2 (a new freshman buddy-- we share the same name) and Chrissy. Wonderful time of worship AND fellowship. Went to PoHo with K and C, met up with Lizzy and purchased a big bowl of nachos to share. Met a lot of cool people. Cru is taking over my heart more and more this year. :)
- Received a text from my newly assigned English conversation partner, Muteb! I can't explain how excited I was to hear from him (and, really, to hear that I had been assigned a partner at all). Once again, evidence of God's faithfulness. On His time, and not mine (just like always). Ask me for more info if you're curious. Details to come. :)
- I felt crappy again on Friday morning, so I took a nap after my morning classes.
- Went to Plaster to work out, and got to walk back in the pouring rain. I actually enjoyed it. (It was a FURNACE in the weight room).
- My dear dear sweet friend Kayla stopped by the House for a visit before the long holiday weekend. Loved seeing her perverted little self. :)
- Got on the road with Andrea and Chrissy (headed to Jackson, MO) around 3:30pm, and...

the rest is yet to come.
don't worry, I'll make good on that promise. :)
(i hope.)

I'm tired. I still have to read about 40 pages about Native Americans before bed. Good thing I like them as much as I do. :)

Until next time...

And Can it Be?

2009-08-29T00:16:00.003-05:00

^ The title of an exceptionally great Hymn. :)
^And also, the question I am asking myself at the moment while considering the fact that I am, indeed, updating this blog with "college life" details yet again-- so soon!

I've successfully completed the first week of my Sophomore year at Missouri State as of today (and,well, let's face it... that success--and completion-- could not have been possible without the grace, love, and power of Jesus).

A few details for memory's sake:

- Wednesday's morning was definitely not its highlight. Though I did get a good amount of sleep the night before, for some reason when my alarm went off at 8am, I had no desire whatsoever to fully coax myself out of my peaceful slumber. :) I couldn't believe I was still so tired! Nevertheless, I knew I had to throw my legs over the side of the bed and somehow make it from point A (my bedroom) to point B (the shower) without wasting any precious time. I did just that. Following my shower, I allowed myself twenty more minutes of sleep (which I'm not sure ever actually occurred, due to the fact that everyone and their mom decided to bombard the busy street below my window at a very inopportune time).
- Spanish and Computers took up the rest of my morning.
*Spanish: I like. A lot. :) Being taught the language completely in, well... Spanish, makes things a little more confusing, but I can definitely tell this style is going to help our aural comprehension skills develop tremendously. (Which is great, because that is definitely an area I suck at.)
*Computers: Boring. Easy. Nice teacher. Nothing else more to say. :)
- Made some more blackberry tea. At this point, I am now out of my loose-leaf stash. Kathy's Pasta better be expecting a visit from me (or someone I send there) sometime soon.
- My friend Jessica (awesome girl who lives at the House) and I went out to run some errands on campus together... specifically, to the Bookstore, Ellis (so I could sign up for voice lessons!), Cheek (she had to do some printing), and the PSU to cash a check. We're such responsible, task-completing grown-ups.
- It was a particularly gorgeous afternoon and, since I ashamedly traded my usual morning time with the Lord (something new I've been attempting, though I'm still not a morning person) for an extra few minutes of sleep, I decided to give my afternoon to Him. We have a cute little front porch swing at the House that is just perfect for sitting and reading, or sitting and journaling, or just sitting and thinking. Unless, of course, you suffer from acute motion-sickness like I do, and can only stand the rocking motion for small amounts of time.
- Made spaghetti for dinner. BUT, as you probably can imagine with my culinary taste, it was not your ordinary spaghetti. Whole wheat pasta with tomato sauce, sauteed garlic chicken and mushrooms, and a little Italian seasoning to top it off. It was kind of an eat-and-run meal for me, for I had Linguistic Theory to attend by 5:30. (By some small miracle I made it there on time.)
*Linguistic Theory: Absolutely has the potential to be my favorite class, subject-matter wise. I was there for a little over two hours, and not once was I ever bored. As it turns out, I'm the only Undergraduate student in there (kind of weird, but kind of cool). We have to write a data-analysis term paper, which I think will probably be a considerable stress-inducer when it comes time to really plan for it... but I'll worry about that when I get there.
---> On top of this, my professor is Chinese. I have to fully concentrate with all my brain can muster in order to catch everything she says. This could be a challenge, but not impossible. I have a feeling I'm going to have to meet with her a lot outside of class anyway, so I might as well start getting used to the way she speaks. :)
- Went to THE VINE (a local church's college ministry, which Jessica is on leadership for... and I've heard a lot of cool things about it from other people, too) with the lovely Katie Lee, and it was a great experience. Got to see/hang out with my dear sweet Charli, who surprised me with her presence there. Signed up for a potential girls small group (Jes highly recommended it). Got to hear an awesome, powerful message from MSU's quarterback, who is a humble, yet BOLD, man of the Lord. So cool. What a mission field he is on each and every day. What a testament to Christ's life changing (and SAVING) power that guy is. :)
- Once back at the House later that evening, Cody and Sam entertained us with their "antics", if that's what you'd like to call them (I really have no alternative word fitting enough). I live with/around some interesting people. But I like them. :)

Thursday.
Not my best day ever.
But we can't expect to always have great days, I suppose. :)

- Had a really great class discussion in English 354 (Ethnic American Literature) about ethnicity and what it means to us personally, as well as a global society. There are some really knowledgable people in that class. (Am I one of them? It is yet to be seen.) Kind of makes me wish I could still be getting an Anthropology degree along with this English one, because people and culture still fascinate me like nothing else. (Did I contribute to any of the discussion? Psh. Of course not. Maybe I will if I ever feel like I have something worthwhile to contribute.) :)
- Lunch at the House: another sandwich. I'm definitley NOT complaining... sandwiches never cease to make me happy (and a lot less hungry). :)
- The sandwich, however, must not've succeeded completely in erasing my hunger pains, because the time I was in Poetry class at 12:30, they were gnawing at me again. I even wrote an entire poem about food (see entry below). I wonder if I'll ever develop in to one of those modernist poets who can tie together beautiful, flowing phrases full of depth and tenor that DON'T rhyme and sound like they were written by Mother Goose, as mine do currently. Perhaps this class will teach me how to fix that. :)
- Worked out in Plaster that afternoon. Felt great.
- Found out some things and started dwelling on some other related things that kind of (and then some) hurt me. Made me wish I'd known how that was going to affect me, so I could've completed the last two bullets in reverse, in order to work off the tension on that good ole' elyptical machine. Oh well. Life slaps you in the face sometimes. Humans make mistakes and let you down (myself included, as I am in fact a human). God is good and full of grace. And thank goodness for that.
- Hamburgers for dinner! They were delish. As far as cheap ground beef cooked in a skillet goes. :) Chrissy and I have almost polished off our bag of Sun Chips that we bought just last Saturday. We are proud of our occasional anti-girlish appetites. Sometimes. ;)
- FUSION (Campus Crusades weekly worship/fellwship) met at 9pm. Boy, was I excited. About ten minutes into the service, however, we had to evacuate the PSU theater due to a propane gas leak. No big deal. Except... yes, it was kind of a big deal (at least-- I thought so). ;) I kind of count it as a blessing though, because through that evacuation God allowed several cool things to happen:
1. I was FINALLY able to meet the famous Sarah Van Note (we share a mutual friend) face-to-face! :)
2. I was able to talk to my soul-sister, C-dawg, about what had been troubling me all afternoon (and really, for the past two weeks, if I'm going to be honest). God has gifted me with a patient, loving sister full of His wisdom and grace. :)
3. It was a chance for the whole group of Cru-ers to fellowship-- specifically some of the new freshmen and what-not.
FUSION/Campus Crusade has become an increasingly large portion of my heart over time, and I feel led to get more involved there. My only question is... how? I did participate in the weekly worship pretty consistently during the Spring semester, but I feel the Spirit nudging me to dive in a little further. And, as I expected, it's kind of difficult doing that this late in the game. Don't get me wrong-- I know it's NEVER "too late" to get involved... but I often wonder why I didn't jump on these great opportunities last year, at the beginning of my college experience, instead of in the middle. It would've been so much easier that way.
Obviously, God had other plans for me. And I know full well my "easy" doesn't always make the cut. ;)
- The rest of Thursday night consisted of some tears and whining on my part. Cathartic, to say the least. :)

Friday was glorious. I guess. :D
- My Spanish teacher ("A que hora empieza este clase? A las DIES. En punto!") never showed up to class. Which is weird, considering how many times she drilled that paranthetical phrase into our heads whenever a student arrived late. I ended up staying until about 10:30, though, to go over the take-home test we were SUPPOSED to hand in that day with a couple girls.
- Computers kind of makes me feel like I'm in Middle School again. I don't mind. I will gladly take an easy computer class over a hard one. :)
- The Sun decided not to grace the sky with its presence throughout the entire afternoon... thus, my energy decided to join-in on the fun and evade my body.
This.
Always.
Happens.
I took a good forty-minute nap, which helped revitalize me a little bit. :)
- Since we ran out of blackberry loose-leaf tea, I thought it would be a good idea to make some iced green tea to hold us over until we can acquire s'more of the good stuff.
I thought wrong. Bad Idea. Green tea is not good cold.
So, now we have an entire pitcher of cold, bitter, disgusting green tea that nobody is going to drink.
- To celebrate the tucking of the first full week of school under our belts (and the fact that Chrissy conveniently had a gift card for both food AND the movie theater), we went out to eat at Macaroni Grill, then to see "Julie&Julia" at Campbell 16. (So, basically... an entire evening dedicated to the enjoyment of food. Why does everything in my life center around food lately?)
*Macaroni Grill is uh-may-zing, by the way. Way better than I expected. The dipping bread... AH. Divine. And of course, the Tiramasu was to die for. It always is, no matter where you get it (well, within reason... I doubt McDonald's could whip up a good one).
*Julie&Julia was cute, and entertaining-- probably because I love food and cooking so much. My only complaint is that Julie and Julia never actually got to meet. I guess you can't do much to change that when the movie is based on the truth, and the truth didn't include such a meeting. But, come on... it's called poetic liscence. ;)
- Went grocery shopping. At 11pm. Exhilarating? Yes. Productive, too.
- Started writing this blog. Last night. Still writing it. Good grief.
- Did a bollywood workout this morning. Loved it.
- Just ate another sandwich. Still as satisfying as ever. :)
- Pool party this afternoon... woop woop.
- Dad's birthday celebration tonight at Nona's. More Italian food? YES. Please.

Theeeeee End. For now. :)

I Must've Been Hungry

2009-08-27T14:07:00.003-05:00

I'm taking an Honors Poetry class this year.

For one, I'm taking it to satisfy a gen-ed requirement.
For two, I'm taking it as my fourth (out of the five) required Honors class.
For three, I'm taking it because I'm an English major.
For four (???), I'm taking it because I love writing. And it sounded fun. :)

Today, in class, we did our first poetry draft exercise. Ohhhh boy.
It's called a "Ten-Minute Spill." (You can probably guess why-- we were given a few parameters and a block of , yes, ten minutes, to "spill" our creative juices out onto a page in our journals.)

The parameters were as such:
1. The poem has to be ten lines long.
2. The poem has to include an old adage/proverb/cliche which the poet revises/changes in some way.
3. The poem has to include the following words:
- Cloud
- Lick
- Mother
- Blackberry
- Voice

And... go.

Here's what I came up with in a very stressful ten minutes (that seemed a lot more like two):

I nudge through the fridge past the ancient can
Of way-past-the-due-date blackberry jam
My mother would scold me if, eyeing my plate,
She were to see the remains of what I ALREADY ate.
I see what my eyes lust for (my stomach protests):
A cloud of forgotten banana pudding all else bests.
I scoop out two helpings, give the spoon a swift lick--
Yet, as I finish-- "I'm going to be sick!"
Her voice, full of reproach, vibrates through my brain:
"Ignore those big orbs of yours when your tummy cries: 'REFRAIN!' "

Ha. Ha. Ha.
All I could come up with was something food-related.
And very realistic, too--
* My eyes very often ARE bigger than my stomach (that was the adage; did you catch it?)
* My mom is usually the one who reminds me of this. ^
* My mom makes really good banana pudding, that I always eat way too much of.
* We really DO have an old can of blackberry jam in our fridge, which likely spoiled about a year ago.

Needless to say, after class, I returned to the House and headed immediately for the pantry where my stock of foodstuff awaited me. :)

My Institutuin of Higher Learning-- Among Other Things

2009-08-25T16:23:00.002-05:00

My second year--sophomore year-- of college has officially commenced, as of yesterday.
I think I owe the blogging world (though few its inhabitants) a small update:
- I moved into the Lutheran Student Center (no, I'm not Lutheran, and probably never will be... but I do have some Lutheran friends, and we have a mutual desire to follow Jesus, which is really all that matters in my book) on August 21st/this past Friday. Thus began the whirlwind that has been my college experience so far.
- Friday night (after I'd organized most of my things in my lovely, spacious new room), my might-as-well-be sister Christina Shinn and I ate at Olive Garden to celebrate the start of a new school year/mourn the end of a glorious summer. I tried the Chicken and Gnocchi soup I've had my eye on for quite a while-- it was satisfactory. :) We then headed over to the Apple Court apartments to visit Kayla and Katelyn for a while, which was great! I can't remember what else happened on Friday night... but I do recall feeling an unmistakable sense of peace and belonging. My room is top-o'-the-line cozy, as well. :)
- Saturday started out bright and early. The House awoke at 8 and began various cleaning rituals to kick-off the school year (and prepare for the upcoming house tour, which was to be given to new LSC students the following day). Chrissy and I were enlisted to chalk the sidewalks all afternoon, in an effort to publicize the LSC's opening worship the next morning. It sounded like a great idea at first ("You mean, we don't have to clean anything else, and we get to play with chalk all afternoon...?"), but after the first few advertisements were etched onto the rough cement, my knees and the palms of my hands were really begining to feel it. (Our drawings, however, were eye-catching and DARN GOOD-- I just have to make that clear.) :)
- After the cleaning/preparing/chalking/etc. was completed, the lovely miss Katie Lee came over the the house and had dinner with C-dawg and I (grilled chicken with oregano, green beans, garlic rice pilaf, and some peaches). We then proceeded to hang out, chat, and play an exciting round of BANANAGRAMS (which I won!), my new favorite game. :)
- Sunday, at the Center next door, we held Opening Worship for the LSC out on the lawn. All (well, most all) of the returning members came early to help set- up, and it was GREAT to get to see all the friends I have missed this summer. :) The worship was nice, the message was inspiring, and the fellowship was grand (a lot of new faces to meet and greet!). Oh, and I should mention the food we ate together afterwards... which was F to the AB.
- I took a 2-hour (ish) nap Sunday afternoon. Like I usually do. Not much has changed in that regard. ;)
- Tried to go on a run around campus. I haven't been running in about a month. My body was well aware of this fact, and didn't hesitate to let me know.
- Went to bed early to ensure maximum energy for the upcoming school day! Annnnd...

- SUCESS! Monday came upon me, and I felt as rested as could be. I woke up early, took a shower, read the Word and journaled a little, ate some yogurt and a kashi bar fo' breakfast, fixed my hair and face, donned some bermudas, a brown v-neck, and a colorful scarf-- and off I went to Spanish 102.

*Spanish 102: I have this class at 10am with a native speaker from Peru. She, ladies and gents, is simply GREAT. A fiesty little lady with a real zeal for seeing her students learn conversational Spanish... ? What more could you ask for? (Well, a translator for the first couple weeks of class, maybe. It's going to be taught completely in Spanish... as in, no English... as in... pretty darn difficult. BUT good, eventually.) ;)
*Computers for Learning: Another gen. ed I have to get out of the way... my last one, I think. From what I hear, it will be a piece of cake. The teacher seemed very nice and genuine. That's about all I came away with on the first day.

- Monday afternoon-- well, a considerable chunk of it, anyway-- was dedicated to school supply shopping. My checking account is running dry fast, folks.
- FINALLY made a pitcher of blackberry iced tea. (It only lasted about a day...)
- Ate some leftover "pizza" (goat and ricotta cheese, tomatoes, grilled chicken, and oregano all on a whole wheat crust) for dinner. I wish I could take credit for the origination of this culinary delight, but... I only assembled it using a recipe I found in a magazine two years ago. It never disappoints. :)
- I headed out to attend my 5pm "Intro. to Education" class expecting to be bored out of my mind. Little did I know that I would sit next to a really sweet girl named Amanda with the EXACT SAME MAJOR (she wants to teach ESL in China; I am patiently undecided upon an exact location at the moment), that a lady would come to present an opportunity to tutor non-native English speakers in neighboring cities through a special MSU program (as a part of one's PRACTICUM, if desired!), and a really passionate, knowledgeable professor. Mom, I think you would've liked your education classes a little more if you'd had THIS teacher.
- Had an EXCELLENT workout in Plaster that evening... felt refreshed, rejuvenated, and all the other "re-'s".

And, of course, Tuesday was today. :) What's that? You'd like to hear all about it? Well, you're in luck:

- Woke up this morning at 8. (I've been sleeping amazingly well lately, which baffles me, since I live a mere few feet off of crazy-busy National Street, right next to a cross-walk that makes constant noise. Praise Jesus for THAT anomaly.) Read some o' the Word over breakfast, and chatted with Jesus while sippin' on a cup of blackberry tea. Beautiful start to the day!
- Had my Ethnic American Literature class this morning at 9:30... I have to say, I got a little nervous when my teacher walked in and ordered us (nicely) to put all our chairs (all...41...chairs) in a circle around the room... so we could face each other and feel completely awkward on the first day. It ended up turning out pretty well, though, because once the initial awkwardness faded, I actually felt like I knew a little bit about almost everyone in the room. PLUS, an old friend (and dance team-mate) from High School is in that class, which is just plain awesome. :)
- Lunched it up back at the Hizouse and did the dishes (parents: be proud). I can't remember exactly how I spent the remaning lunch break between classes, but before I knew it, it was time to head off to Honors Poetry. Of this class, I had NO idea what to expect.
- Walked into Siceluff (the English dept. building) for the fourth time in the past two days, and got a tad bit lost on my way to room 404. Once I DID make it, however, I discovered some familiar faces. Sat next to Kalyn, another ole' buddy from High School, with whom I unexpectedly have another Honors class with! The class itself, from what I gathered this afternoon, is going to be interesting. Very chill and laid back. We don't even have a final-- just a poetry reading/Christmas party at the end of the semster. Yes please. :)
- Went to the bookstore with Kalyn to help her get a book. It was C to the ROWDED. Wow.
- Studied for a Spanish "test" (a review of Spanish I) for a good portion of the afternoon. I'm a little rusty, to say the least. I suppose I haven't really had a need to use it much this summer. (Nevermind that I spent a good amount of time in and around Dalton, GA.) ;)
- Made one of my FAVORITE meals for dinner-- one I came up with on my own a few months ago. Wild Brown Grain Rice with Veggies (tomato, yellow squash, mushroom, carrot) and chicken sauteed in olive oil, basil, oregano, and garlic. Add a little shredded cheese on the top and YES... you have yourself a taste of heaven. So to speak.
- The LSC's first "Prayer&Praise" night was this evening at 6, and we kicked it off with a couple worship songs, and then a bunch of "get-to-know-you" games. I have to admit, I had a LOT more fun than I was expecting to have. Man, I really love those Lutherans. :)
- Ice Cream and fellowship afterwards? Of course. It's always a good time.
- Another great workout brought to you (well, really just me ;) ) by Plaster Sports Complex. Saw Kristen while walking back to the House, and chatted with her for a bit-- 'twas lovely!
- Came back to the House and found the boys playing "Pitch"... which, supposedly, I need to learn how to play. They say it's a lot like "Spades"... so... we'll see. ;)

I'm completely exhausted after a WONDERFUL day here in Springfield, and I think I'm going to head to bed soon. I am very much aware that my life is soon to be consumed with reading and projects and essays (oh, the burdens of being an English major), so I've made up my mind to cherish these nights of extra sleep.

Who knows when the next time I update will be? Certainly not me. But, if I can, it will be fairly often. Maybe? Well, let's just be patient and see. :)

Moving Onward...

Clear as Mud

2009-08-08T14:35:00.008-05:00

Lately, my head is riddled with a million untamed thoughts.
A rough, streaming glimpse:

Failure. College. Ready? LSC. Prepare. Decorations! Summer-- over. Almost. What. the. heck???
College. Friends-- old, new. Campus. Ministries? Clubs. Organizations. Classes.
Homework... Dangit.
Missions. Ministry. Husband. Who? STOP THAT. (...Who???)
El Salvador. Elsewhere? Patience. The least... The lost... The unreached. Love. Pain. Empathy.
Servant? Me? Failure. Selfish! Sinful! Manipulative! BUT... loved. Adopted-- taken care of. Forgiven. (MAN.)
Sleep... Deprived? Yes. Home. School. Two worlds... How? Summer.
People leaving. SOON. Patience. (Please?) Next Summer... Where? What? Sleep... mmm.
Jesus. Daddy. Love.
Really. All. That. Matters.

Clear as Mud?
Yeah, that's what I thought, too.

And this is part of the reason why I need Jesus so much. :)

Time for Recess

2009-08-02T21:09:00.003-05:00

But not the kind that readily comes to mind.

That oh-so-sweet, fifteen-minute period of time we were allotted in grade school to escape the four walls of our classrooms and engage in uninhibited recreation.

The type of recess I’m talking about exists deep in my brain-- it’s the part of my imagination that, much to my annoyance, decides to come alive late at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. It’s the “recess” that people refer to when they use the phrase: “deep into the recesses of the soul”… (though, in my case, it’s hardly anything that melodramatic).

This summer I’ve spent a lot of time with the thoughts tumbling around in my head. I haven’t been alone—the Spirit has been guiding me, Jesus has been ever-present in my contemplation, and the Father has cultivated the rich “food” for thought on which I’ve been chewing.
In laymen’s terms: I’ve had a lot of time to think and reflect this summer, so far.

I’ve been putting off and putting off the act of scribing these thoughts and reflections, waiting for the “right time”… or for a sudden burst of inspiration to spark.

As usual, the right time never came and inspiration continuously eluded me.

After all these years of writing, I’ve decided this much: sometimes you just have to sit down and do it. Even when you feel like your creative juices have dried up and blown away, or your mind feels sluggish and incapable of stringing words into a cohesive sentence… just sit down, and see what comes out.

Last night, when my mind’s desire to race far outweighed my body’s desire to sleep, I decided that today I was going to do just that—sit down, and see what comes out.
Thus, here we are; and here I go…
(And no, I don’t consider it cheating to use numeration. It’s for organization’s sake, thank you very much. ☺ )

1. Empathy. It’s been hitting me a lot lately… how much a part of my life it is, has been, and will be.
A couple of weeks ago at First Baptist Church’s “Encounter” service, we sang a worship song that struck a particularly powerful chord with me… rather, though the song in its entirety is beautiful, it was really one phrase that hit my heart like a torpedo—in Hillsong United’s “Hosanna”, the bridge cries out:
“Break my Heart for what Breaks Yours.”
I almost reeled on the spot the first time my eyes scanned over those words on the projector screen. I don’t even know if I sang them, I was so stricken. I do know, however, that I hastily jotted them down in my “sermon notes” notebook, scrawling the words in big, unmistakable letters. The following afternoon, I wrote these genuinely astonished words in my prayer journal:
“Wow, that was cool (this morning). Thank you for taking on our flesh, trials, and sufferings just so you can understand empathetically what it’s like. Empathy is an integral part of who you are, isn’t it? Hm. … I was touched by those lyrics. It’s a prayer to return the gift—we want to feel empathetically, too. We want to experience your own heartbreak… Use me to feel your own pain and be your love so that you can patch the holes.”

Maybe I’m just a little slow or out of touch, but that was the first time this kind of connection really occurred to me. Our Almighty God took on our pitiful human condition, ultimately, to save us—but also to know us (our hurt, our joy, our triumph) to the absolute full extent. How can we not be utterly amazed by this truth? That a deity would love his people so much that he would step down into their midst and become like them? Jesus knows our pain because he once felt it as well. Jesus rejoices with us because he has experienced human exhilaration, too.

And so, this is the great parallel illustrated by Hillsong’s lyrics—

Lord, your heart breaks with ours because you chose to know us so intimately. And though we could never match your sacrifice, we desire to return a representative gift of our own… to know your heart and to see with your eyes.
We want to feel with you, too.

I’m still left open-mouthed when I consider this. Though, God’s phenomena tend to have that effect on me quite a bit. ☺

(And that’s not the last you’ll be hearing of empathy, by the way.)

2. I have discovered that I am very much an Idealist (though, at times, I wish I could say otherwise)— and I am convinced I can somewhat blame my crazy-active imagination for a substantial hand in that development. Recently (and when I say recently, I mean in the last year or so), I have become more tainted by a good-sized helping of cynicism, which of course has its pros and cons, but… I still find myself adamant in placing ideas before reality sometimes.
But let’s consider the fact that, while idealism is usually linked with ignorance and naivety, it might also have something to do with faith. I’ve been praying for the ability to differentiate, and for the Lord to direct me to abide in my ideals with child-like (and often very blind) faith.
Just something to think about, once again. That’s kind of all this outflow is, anyway. ☺

3. Authority Figures and Respect.
Man. What’s up, generation ‘me’?
Maybe it’s part of my upbringing that has made me more aware of this problem amongst my age group (so VERY aptly dubbed the ‘me’ generation) but I have always been under the impression that our elders deserve some respect.
And I’m talking a blanket kind of respect, one that transcends circumstance, personal preference, selfishness, etc., because most of the time, contrary to popular belief, our lack of respect towards our authority figures is not because they are forcing us to do anything that really compromises who we are. It comes from our egocentric nature and petty rebellion and lust for control—very ugly things that are often disguised as “admirable” self-determination and liberty.
Example:
During my Senior year of High School, my English teacher decided (rightfully so, if we’re going to be honest) that our class was in desperate need of some discipline. She gave us a lot of grace that was largely undeserved throughout most of the year, but the time finally came for her to implement a seating chart.
The class was outraged!—an instant students v. teacher revolution. One girl, a particular “loud mouth” (for lack of a better description—I apologize) even retorted hotly: “We’re SENIORS in HIGH SCHOOL! We don’t need a seating chart! That’s just dumb!”
I remember sitting in my seat quietly, dumbfounded, first of all thinking: “Are you going to use that same argument when you get to college next year, as a freshman, and your professor gives you a seating chart, too?” then immediately afterward: “I can’t believe the immaturity and disrespect I’m witnessing right now. That is what’s dumb.”

Maybe I should’ve said something in that situation to defend my ideals, though at the time you couldn’t have paid me to do so. Ever since then, however, I’ve become increasingly aware of like situations, which almost always include someone from my selfish, stupid generation (bear in mind that I’m including myself in the mess—I am no doubt helplessly afflicted with selfishness and stupidity) on the offensive.
Part of this has to do with the fact that industrialization has so drastically changed the relationship between youths and their elders, and, conversely, between youths and authority figures in general. It is no longer the grandparents who teach the young boys and girls how to use the tools of the age and the cultural skills needed for making a living (that’s how things used to operate, back in the day). Now, because of the insane technology boom, it has almost become the opposite scenario. I believe this has lead to a highly unhealthy dose of arrogance and autonomy for we “me’s”…. like we didn’t have enough of that prevalent in our diet already.
Again, just a thought. ☺

4. So, at the beginning of the summer, I was reading through the book of Acts. At the time, my brain was buzzing with thoughts of discontentment and defiance—“Why, oh WHY, God, do I have to spend my summer HERE? Why, when my heart is aching to be somewhere else, doing something else? What’s all this time of nothingness going to be good for?”
And at just the right time on just the right day, I came across a passage in which Paul reflected upon the forty years of wilderness (aka: nothingness) the Hebrews had endured before they were finally given their Promise Land. He talked about how so many grew frustrated and turned away to pursue more instantly gratifying promises instead—forty years is a long time to wait...
But I remember being confused at this, having hindsight the Hebrews did not, and mentally blurting: “But you are going to get to that land flowing with milk and honey! God promised, didn’t He? Why can’t you be patient? He just delivered you! Surely you haven’t forgotten the whole ‘parting of the Red Sea’ thing…?”
Guilt plunged through my heart a half-second later.
“Oh…”
To quote my ever-encouraging friend, Chrissy: I was con. vic. ted.

Weeks later, I sat ‘round a coffee table in a friend’s comfortably stuffy living room and discussed this very phenomenon with some very insightful guys.

We expect God to use a template in our lives a lot of the time, don’t we? We get it in our minds that He’s going to call us to attention before every major life event unfolds, and give us the detailed run-through of the game plan so we’ll know exactly what to expect. We start to think we’ve got His pattern figured out—we start to fill the holes He’s purposefully left voided, much to our discontentment.
And then, whenever He leads us in another direction, or down a detour we weren’t ever expecting to take, we go a little crazy. Whenever He halts that plan we thought we saw materializing and calls for a little patience, we get tired of waiting. We want to know why why why He can’t just do things the easy way—our way.
Um. Well. Just think about that for a second. ☺
Look back and see what those Hebrews endured before they were able to enjoy all the milk and honey. I can estimate with almost complete certainty that none of them were expecting to wander around in a desert for forty years first.
It really clears up one’s perspective, doesn’t it? At least, it has mine. ☺

Sara Groves wrote a song called “Painting Pictures of Egypt.” It is a beautiful song that speaks right to my heart for more than one reason—but there is one line towards the end of the song that must be blood-related to this particular lesson:
“If it comes too quick, I may not appreciate it.
Is that the reason behind all this time in sand?”

Well. Those are 4 points out of the 11 I've documented (so far... yikes). The remaining 6 will just have to be posted at a later date. Don't act so disappointed. ;)
To be continued...

Interior Decorating...

2009-07-22T13:28:00.005-05:00

Ohhh what to say, what to say... ?

Excuse me.

"what to write, what to write...?"

Lately I have fallen completely in passionate love-- with this little (comprehensively insignificant) life I get to live. Jesus has blessed me out the wazoo. It's the little things I notice, mind-- those are the ones I've been taking into account more often. I usually overlook them. But maybe, just maybe, my constant prayer to be "given new eyes" is slowly allowing me to see things differently. Praise the Lord for His good works and faithful promise of their endurance. :)

I think one of the signs that you are getting "old" (well, at least becoming more mature, ha) is when your interests start to subconsciously mirror those of a real, live adult. A point where, for instance, you get more excited about shopping at the JCPenny Home Store for cool household items than you do at the mall for new clothes.
Ladies and gents: I think have arrived.

When did that happen?
I don't have an answer. It happened while my back was turned, apparently. ;)

Yesterday, I journeyed to Springfield (my second home, where I now abide for about 9 months out of the year) and purchased a new bedspread for my room at the LSC House. It was on sale. And it was just exactly what I was looking for! I also bought some cork board for the wall, a dry-erase wall calendar, and some canvas hangers (also for the wall). This was, to me, a perfectly productive shopping trip.
I've also worked all summer on decorations for my soon-to-be walls, and they've turned out really well. I just need (well, want is more like it) a sepia-toned wall map and I think everything will be set. (Once again, I can make due without the map, but good golly I just LOVE looking at maps, and it would correspond perfectly with the wall project I have conceived in my head).

And here is what I envision for the afore mentioned (parenthetically-- ha) wall project:

In my mind, I see these six canvases hung sporadically around the wall map I have yet to obtain.
They represent a country/region of the world, and say: "To The Ends of the Earth"-- a reference from the Bible's Acts 1:8. Somewhere (like in the middle of the map, maybe? who knows) I'd like to have that phrase written in English-- for, as you will soon see (if you choose to follow the link), each canvas has that same phrase written upon it, but it is penned in a native tongue from the region it represents.
I chose Latin America (Spanish), Eastern/Slavic Europe (Ukranian?), Africa (Swahili), East Asia (Indonesian language), India/Middle East (Hindi), and South America/Tribal Groups (Nahuatl) to be represented upon my wall.
Here is a link to where pictures of these canvases (plus a few other decorating items) are posted on facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/kelsuzanne#/album.php?page=4&aid=2011597&id=1294290013

...just for anyone who might read this and be curious.
Orrrr... you can just look at them on facebook, I guess. :)

Well, I'll be. It's almost time for my daily exercising session!
Until next time...

2009-07-15T14:22:00.004-05:00

Notable Things about the past 2.5-ish days:

- Had my second fit and well test (2). I think it was easy. :) Only a week and a half left, and my PED credit for MSU is finally, forever behind me. Praise the LORD.
- My family is successfully (so far) transitioning our former "Play Room" into more of a functional, hang-out/movie room. I approve-- even though I am largely not affected by this change (except for when I come home from school on breaks/select weekends/etc.). Either way, it's going to make "hanging out" at my house a heck of a lot more convenient. :)
- I have been working my tail off at the SBU cafeteria. Recently, because of my summer school schedule, I've had to go in every day to serve breakfast at 7am. I know, it's not as early as it could be, but for me it's still pretty stinkin' early. Ask anyone who has had the 'pleasure' of working with me during the morning hours-- they'll support the claim that I have a very hard time functioning. :)
- Our Blair Suite 808 had a family reunion yesterday and Monday, and it was glorious. Kayla, Chrissy, Kristi and I were able to enjoy a meal at Kathy's, a good ole-fashioned movie viewing (we rented TAKEN from redbox, and boy let me tell you-- we were entertained to the max), a trip to the lake, a minor run-in with the law, a home-cooked meal at mi casa, and of course a few of our notorious photo-shoots. :) If only Jackie (mom) and Hedy (adopted-sister) couldn've joined in on the fun, the reunion would've been complete. I love those girls dearly and miss that group being all being together-- more reunions are surely to come.
- Baked some banana bread last night, using a recipe that failed to specify how many loaves the batter would make, and how much time they would need to fully cook. It was kind of a laborious process- a lot of sitting around, waiting, periodically checking and tedious testing with a toothpick, etc. But it turned out well. Unless everyone who tried it was being optimistic (including my own taste buds, because I enjoyed it pretty darn well). :)
- Yesterday, I came as close to a panic attack as I have since last fall. Kind of crazy. Not my favorite thing in the world. Here's a very, very general explanation for why it might have occured:
I kid you (you? who is 'you'? oh well-- it works for the purpose of the phrasing) not when I say that I am so so so excited about moving into the LSC house in August, decorating, getting acclamated, starting off the year, seeing friends I haven't seen all summer, pursuing new opportunities, etc... that was all the honest truth.
However.
Though I didn't think it possible when I mulled it over last spring, I've adjusted pretty well to being home this summer. Yes, I'm still restless and I still patiently long to be somewhere else (somewhere far beyond Springfield, my heart tells me), but the Lord has been gracious in teaching me how to accept where I am right now, as opposed to where I have been or where I want to be eventually. I've enjoyed my independence this summer, equally as much as I've enjoyed being with old friends, serving 'behind the scenes' (aka: Bolivar) in God's kingdom, spending time with my family, and growing in the Spirit. I know that, fundamentally, not all of those things have to change when I get to Springfield next month, but the details will be drastically different. Basically-- it's starting to dawn on me that I only have roughly one month of summer left, and there's still a lot I want to soak in and absorb. I have faith that I will have enough time, but the planner/panicker part of me keeps worrying that I won't.
Thus: panic attack-like symptoms on my part yesterday.
- I just got invited to fill in for the amazing keyboardist (the lovely Kim Scowden) in the FBC Encounter worship band this coming Sunday. That's cool. And a huge answer to prayer.
Wow. Thanks, Jesus.
I'm nervous (oh boy oh boy oh boy)...BUT excited. :)
- I've been slacking on reading the Word, and also reading the book "Abba's Child". I suppose I've been slacking on reading in general. Today, I was able to settle back into the reading routine a little, and it was most welcome for my heart and my soul. :)
- God's been opening up my heart a lot when it comes to ministry He has planned for my future (and my husband's future, Lord willing). For a long time I was very centric towards the missionfields of El Salvador-- almost stubbornly so. Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE my family there and long to see them again (always will), but it is God who shapes my desires, and they've been taking on a more inclusive shape latley. I suppose the best way to put His work in me is this: He has not closed the door on future ministry in El Salvador, but He has been opening up a great many other doors, too-- Africa, Eastern Europe, India, the Middle East, Latin America as a whole... countless others...there are so many places that all equally need the love and message of Christ. He's just been gradually opening my eyes to that truth. :)
- I downloaded my favorite episodes from Cartoon Network's "Clone Wars" cartoon onto my ipod (don't act surprised). Call me crazy, but I find them pretty entertaining. On the downside, they take forever to download.
- Chrissy and I ate at "Common Ground" organic cafe on Monday for lunch, and I almost kissed the world goodbye, because it is a taste of almost-divinity. (In other words, it was really REALLY good.) :) Now I need to take everyone else I know. (Five Words: Best. Sandwich. Of. My. LIFE).
- I haven't been able to workout as regularly/as long as I want to these past couple of days... I'm going to head off and do just that. Right now.

So far, this journal-writing thing has worked out quite nicely.
I'm still working on the "what i've learned this summer" thing.
It will definitely be a lot more interesting to read.
Well, I assume it will be.
I guess that's really up to who reads it. :)

Peace out. :)

Well, We're Just Going to Try This...

2009-07-12T17:03:00.004-05:00

Recently I went through and compiled everything I've written since 2004 that I considered "significant" or "worth saving." Most everything came from my old xanga. In reviewing the quality of each post, I realized something very valuable about all of the things I'd written so frequently and diligently back then--> I have a very detailed record of almost everything I did and experienced for about two whole years of my life. (Throughout my Junior and Senior year, I suppose my busy schedule and shifting priorities squeezed out any time I could allot for writing about my day.) Looking back, I am surprised by reading so many things I had forgotten about or taken for granted at the time. I found myself wishing I had continued to log my experiences somewhere, mainly for plain ole' personal benefit.

So I'm going to try that with blogspot. Nevermind that hardly anyone will lay eyes on what is posted here-- that's not the point-- however, those who do, I'm more than happy to be sharing my memories with you. As I've mentioned on here in the "about me" section (silly silly silly), all of what is published here I desire to be ultimately a reflection of the One I follow.

So. Sunday. July 12, 2009.

This morning, I woke up to the most abnoxious ring tone my phone has to offer as an alarm. This is a good thing, because lately I've suffered from extreme exhaustion, coupled with an embarassing inability to wake up on time. Does not make for a very convenient combination, if you have a schedule to follow.

Lately I find that I look forward to church SO much more than I can ever remember looking forward to it in the past. Perhaps it is the refreshing atmosphere that Encounter has to offer... I don't think Encounter has achieved perfection (nor will it ever), but it is something that fits where I am at the moment, for the most part. Most of all, it is a service through which I feel I can truly worship my Lord. I think a genuine Christ community is forming there. (NOT that it is not forming elsewhere, or that true worship can't take place anywhere else. It is largely just a personal thing-- the Body of Christ is not contained within four walls.)
-- We sang "Hosana" this morning, which is a song that I love. One of my favorites at the moment. That was a highlight. :)
-- I sat by myself this morning (because I arrived late and there were no empty spaces near mis amigos), and I really enjoyed it. I enjoy sitting with people just as much, but I believe there is benefit in experiencing worship with minimal distraction (which is more prone to be present when you are amongst friends). AND it was nice to get to meet some new people, and talk to those I don't often have the chance to converse with. (Yes, I just ended thast sentence with a preposition.)
--La familia ate at Kathy's for lunch (surprise), and had a very enjoyable time of fellowship.

Yesterday was an interesting day.
I attended the WEDDING (so crazy!) of Amy Lyn Bolton (now Becker) in the afternoon, and fought tears through the whole thing. Amy looked RADIANT, and she + her groom= incredibly, genuinely full of joy.
I don't know if I've ever seen two people so happy in my entire life.
But, I suppose my husband and I will be pretty happy when we get married.
If not, I don't think we should be getting married. :)

Went to Michael's last night and hung out with Grant, Keegan, and Michael (imagine that). The evening began with a seemingly rousing (judging from its title) game called "Think of a Word!".
The title prompts false expectations.
It's not a game I hope to play any time in the near future, unless I want to bore myself to death.
(That's kind of overexaggerating, but I think my point remains.)

The rest of our time together was, in contrast, highly entertaining (from a certain point of view). We sat around Michael's living room and talked about politics, technology, semantics, theology, and the like. Sometimes I feel like an ignorant idiot when we talk about those things. Sometimes I feel a little less like one-- but only a little. In any case, my friends have a lot of interesting opinions and ideas. I can tell you that much. :)

This afternoon, I have accomplished the following:
- Painted a canvas for my room at the LSC
- Spent some time in the Word
- Listened to my Itunes playlist and wrote some things down. :)
- Read a very lengthy letter from a friend
- Drank a while bottle of Propel Fitness Water in the course of 2 minutes.

Next on my list are these:
- work out at the WC before it closes
- eat some cereal for dinner (I have a craving)
- receive mi amiga Chrissy joyously when she arrives this evening
- plan out the details of our 808 Family Reunion with the Chriss-ter

***I have something more organized and thoughtful to post at some point, when I finish it, that details a lot of the lessons (big and small) I've been learning with Jesus this summer so far. Just a reminder, in case I forget.

I think I'm going to like this kind of frequent posting. Maybe.
We'll see how this goes. :)

Tecumseh...

2009-05-10T15:49:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, you don't feel like reading a biography on Tecumseh (for which you must write a 2- page summary, due in 3 days).
Sometimes, you don't feel like making flash-cards for the Spanish test you have on Wednesday.
Sometimes, you don't feel like even reading the spark-notes version of Melville's Billy Budd for your English class.
Sometimes, you don't feel like printing off and committing the massive study guide for your Political Science final to memory.

Sometimes, you just feel like sitting and thinking.
Not because you have to, but because you can.

Well, that's me tonight, folks.
And what might I be thinking about?
Glad you asked. (Though I would've told you anyway.) ;-)

1. I am a girl of simple taste-- at least, the Lord is molding me into one. But although that characteristic can apply to many facets of who I am becoming, right now I sit here thinking about how insipid my actual physical appetite has become... to be frank, I like bland-tasting food. Plain, unadorned food. Give me two pieces of wheat bread, some turkey, and a slice of cheese, and I'm satisfied. Hamburger on a bun, nothing else? Yes, please. A pancake, sans-syrup? Bring it on. Saltine crackers without the salt? You've got the right idea. I, on the other hand, have NO idea where this affinity for tastelessness came from.
Wait-- scratch that. Tastelessness was a poor choice of words.
Maybe the fact that I enjoy my food in the most natural state possible, is because I want to savor a certain kind of taste. A real, genuine kind of taste.
I don't want to miss out on the meaty-goodness of ground beef because it's smothered in ketchup, mustard, lettuce, cheese, and the like.
I don't want to ruin the rich flavor unique to a floret of broccoli by stifling it with sodium and butter.
So let's change my opening description of my choice foods from "bland-tasting" to "natural-tasting". That makes much more sense.
I'd like to encourage anyone who reads this to utilize this technique sometime. Maybe you won't stick to it, but it's probably worth a try. :)

2. People probably perceive me as someone who is usually quite passive in nature. Those people are likely not too far off the mark. I'm not great at making decisions for myself-- I generally try to do what's best for everyone, even if that means I have to sacrifice (note-- this isn't being said to make me sound like a saint or anything... I'm just trying to illustrate a point). ;) I usually fall into the category of "flee-er" rather than "fighter", and I almost always try to avoid confrontation if at all possible. I don't get mad easily. I give people the benefit of the doubt probably twenty times more often than I should.
Oh, but if only you knew the whole story.
Contrary to popular belief, a fairly healthy dose of aggression runs through my veins-- it's kind of what you might call a family trait. (Yes... it's true). I think I've had to adopt a more passive attitude towards things because, naturally, I could really get into some trouble with my attitude. I actually have a surprisingly large capacity for anger and belligerence-- it's something Jesus has been working on in me, but I still have a pretty firm grip on a lot of it. SO, it's safe to say, that in order to keep myself from really "losing my cool", I have subconsciously trained myself not to care. I know a considerable lot of things that just aren't worth fighting for if I'm going to explode in the process. (**Keep in mind, I'm definitely not claiming credit for this "training"-- what I refer to as my subconscious is most notably the Lord. He's been developing this tendency in me, I'm sure... because He undoubtedly knows what would happen otherwise). ;)
In conclusion, I'm usually pretty chill. I trust the Lord to convict me when to be adamant and stubborn and aggressive... otherwise, I figure it's just as useless as dust in the wind.
That's how it works most of the time, anyway. :)

3. Lately I've been pondering spiritual gifts with my Father-- specifically, wondering what mine is/are, and how He'd have me use it/them.
Good gravy... it has been a confusing process. (I almost wrote "consuming" instead of "confusing" on accident... but I guess that word would be somewhat fitting as well.) ;)
What I think the Lord has been revealing to me, slowly but surely, is that at least part of the spiritual gift He has instilled in me is that of empathy.
"Well, that makes sense," I remember thinking.
It's insane, but I've always been able to feel right alongside my fellow human beings. And this is intense feeling we're talking about here.
I'm definitely not saying I'm the only one who can feel empathetic (oh goodness, no, that'd be downright absurd)-- but I think people sometimes have a blurred perception of the definition of empathy, and how it differs from sympathy. Do you feel a vocabulary lesson coming on? If so, your feelings are accurate.

Sympathy: feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.
Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, as if they were one's own.

(Thank you, Oxford American Dictionary).

Here are a few examples:
- When I found out Lara Casey was getting married, I got so excited I cried a little. I immediately called everyone on my speed dial to let them know. Man, I was filled with so much elation that it could've been my own engagement I was spreading the news about... I just felt it-- the joy and the happiness that is my sister's was also a little bit of mine for a moment, too. (*Note: Lara, I'm sorry if I spread the news of your engagement too impulsively. I know you said it was okay to let people know, but I'm not sure if I ever told you how I went about doing that... haha).
- I remember walking down the streets of Washington D.C. when I was about 14, and for the first time in my life, I had the chance to see what real, honest homelessness is.
Heartbreaking. Oh man. I could hardly stand it-- one of the few times in my life that I haven't been able to control the waterworks. As I walked down those crowded streets, lined with government buildings and world-renowned museums, tears streaming down my cheeks and lungs heaving, I felt the pain and the desperation and the loneliness... deep down, somewhere in the pit of my stomach.

So I think the spirit has revealed to me this part of my gift. The next step, and quite possibly the most difficult and ambiguous step, is being patient as it is revealed to me how to go about using this gift. How do I serve? What am I specifically equipped to do?

That's where I am right now. And if you know me at all, you know my patience department has a tendency run out-of-stock.
If you're the praying kind, and if you happen to remember, you can be mentioning this deficit of mine when talking to the Father. :)
..............................................................

Ahhhh. Yes. Catharsis.

Sometimes, you just feel like sitting and thinking.

But sometimes, you have to disregard fleeting "feelings" and focus on the nagging tasks before you.
And for me, that time has arrived. That time is now.
Tecumseh, here I come...

(*Note: I wrote and finished my paper on Tecumseh, a full 18 pages worth, in a period of less than twenty-four hours. This is not an experience I would advise anyone to try and recreate for themselves. That is all). :)

Tying Up the Lose Ends...

2009-04-28T12:20:00.005-05:00

My mind is constantly failing to comprehend the fact that I have a mere 2 weeks and 3 days before I'm finished with my first year of college.

Yes. College.

I'm not sure how to even begin to describe the experiences that have shaped me in the past 8 months... maybe someday I'll get a chance to sit down and write it all out-- discuss it with Jesus, chew on it together, process the hurt and cherish the gift of of good memories.

I have a feeling this summer's going to consist of a lot of that kind of work.
Yet I get bogged down in feeling insignificant and fruitless when I think about where I'm going to be this summer. Lord knows where my heart longs to be...

But He also knows where He needs me to be. And apparently that's at home, with my family, working in a cafeteria, taking a summer school course, and having a lot of down time. It's not out in the missionfield, serving and living amongst the least and the lost and the poor and the broken. Not right now.

"There is an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1

The Lord has been faithful in reminding me constantly how His plans for me this summer ARE purposeful... in the world's eyes they may be boring, mediocre, and bland, but since when has God been impressed with what the world sees (aka what I see) as grandiose? I have a feeling this summer's going to be filled with a lot of growth and precious time spent with my Savior, reflecting and absorbing all that has happened these past 8 months. It may not be very tangible, and it may not make headlines, but it doesn't have to.

Even more important, I shouldn't desire for it to.
That desire is ugly and fleshly and wants the glory to only come back to myself.
Definitely not what my heart is yearning for.

So, I'm ready.
I'm excited.

Now, if only I could fast-forward through these next couple weeks... ;)

Right There With Ya, Paul

2009-04-12T22:54:00.004-05:00

It has taken me a considerable while to process my recent 9-day stay in El Salvador.

3 weeks.

And it's still not even processed yet... nor do I realistically expect it to ever be.

This trip was different from others... it was hard in ways I wasn't expecting, and by golly there were times when I got so frustrated or heartbroken that I wanted to steal away and cry for a few hours.

But those memories will fade, because they cannot outweigh the good. They cannot destroy the fruit that the Lord produced through our ministry there. And to my slight surprise, they do not extinguish my passion for the missionfield there... if anything, it has been fueled. Exponentially.

A vital, living, breathing piece of my heart has been captured, and is being held at ransom there... it remains with my brothers and sisters. The Lord has broken it for them.

All of these thoughts and musings and feelings and longings have had me thinking about good ole' Paul. (Paul of the Bible, Paul.) If you've read his letters, you know about his tendency to gush about his love for the recipients, and his constant yearning for reunion. After being, three times, emersed in a culture with people whom I love and ripped away a few short days later, I feel something of a new empathy for Paul...

"God knows how often I pray for you. Day and night I bring you and your needs in prayer to God, whom I serve with all my heart by spreading the Good News about his Son. One of the things I always pray for is the opportunity , God willing, to come at last to see you.... When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours."

- Romans 1:9-10, 12

"I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called-- his holy people who are rich in his inheritence."

-- Ephesians 1:16-18

"Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ returns."

-- Philippians 1:3-6

"I long to see you again, for I remember your tears as we parted. And I will be filled with joy when we are together again."

-- 2 Timothy 1:4

"So it is right that I should feel as I do about all of you, for you have a special place in my heart... God knows how much I love you and long for you with the tender compassion of Christ Jesus."

-- Philippians 1:7a, 8

I hear ya, buddy. I feel the same.

I want to go back, too.

Patience

2009-04-08T11:46:00.002-05:00

i have a lot i want to write about, but not enough time to sort through it and actually commit to doing the deed.

so-- patience.

it is coming.

:)

The Elevator

2009-03-18T15:00:00.004-05:00

I am going to be in Santa Elena, El Salvador in less than a week.

Words fail to express how much joy is bouncing around in my heart at the mere notion of that truth...

I was riding on the elevator today, up to the 8th floor of Blair that has become my second home, and I began to think on another home that I have-- where the air is hot, the fruit it sweet, and the people are beautiful, full of such heart. I couldn't help but to smile. I thought about my dear Merary, Karen, Fernando, Yacir, and Karena... and I instinctively felt the urge to reach out my arms to embrace them. I thought about Jimmy and Walter and Nory (not to mention Kenny and Edgardito!); how we laugh and serve together. I remembered the smell of authentic coffee beans, and the taste of a hot-off-the-griddle papussa, and I wanted to be there so badly it hurt a little.

I came back to reality-- thankfully-- a few short seconds later, and realized I was locked in a gaze, smiling a little excessively, with a 5th floor boy who stood across from me on the elevator.

Shoot.

Another person here who now, likely, thinks I am a freak of nature.
That number just continues to increase...

Maybe I Did Something...

2009-03-11T21:22:00.003-05:00

Let's face it, blogspot world: I've got some trust issues goin on.

Ever since I found out Santa Claus was just a distraction that took advantage of my naivete so my parents could sneak around dropping presents under a tree behind my back (bitter much? maybe), I have been accompanied with that cynical little voice inside my head, which constantly reminds me: "No matter how genuine people seem, there's always the possibility that they're lying to you through their teeth."

Resulting repercussions? You bet.

It effects every relationship I ever enter into-- with a friend, or with a boy, or with an authority figure.
On top of the fact that I somehow came up with the rule that if anyone ever wrongs me, it has stemmed out of something I did. I must have messed it up... I must have provoked them to deceive me.

How does that make sense? I assume everyone out there must have some kind of ulterior motive buried beneath the veneer... yet when they actually prove me right, I end up blaming myself...?

Right now, it's kind of difficult not to let doubtful thoughts and feelings consume me.

My second semester of college is almost over, and looking back on everything, I've gained SO much-- but I can't ignore what I've lost.

My best friend since birth doesn't feel the need to call me so much anymore, and doesn't seem to want to recriprocate my investments. I'm always the last to know-- always on the back burner... is it because she's decided I'm not important enough to keep up with anymore? Hmm... It's probably because I've done something. Maybe I haven't invested quite as much as I thought I had.

Someone I looked up to adoringly the past couple of years-- a beautiful woman of God with an amazing passionate, selfless heart and character-- has forgotten me. There've been so many times when I have wanted to call her and attempt to plan a hang-out date, but she's busy planning a wedding and a future... I probably wasn't ever that important, anyway. I must've done something wrong-- said something... maybe I was kind of a jerk to her brother sometimes.

Some of the people I live with planned an event and went somewhere without me this evening-- I wasn't invited. I didn't really want to go, but I wasn't a part of the plan. I must've done something. One of them must secretly dislike me... that's got to be it.

My parents are too busy catering to my brother to be concerned with what's going on with me here in Springfield. They probably don't miss me... they must be fine with me being gone. Maybe I did something...

^^ Kind of warped, eh?
I realize this.
I understand this kind of thinking is corrupted and overly sensitive.
But it's honesty, and right now that's what I've got.

I think this calls for some time well-spent with Jesus... ;)

A Psalmist's Heart

2009-03-05T22:37:00.004-06:00

Oh Precious Lord.

How truly marvelous you are.
I cannot even fathom the heights and depths of your love!
And the amount of love for you that I have
is only a fraction of what you bestow.
How I wish I could match the vastness of your love--
yet by nature it is truly matchless.

All I can offer is my life.
I pray that you break the hold I have on myself,
more and more with each coming day.
Fill me with the life only you can supply!

Calm my restless spirit.
Allow me to be content with where you have me.
Mold my desire for the grandiose and glorious into a humble patience,
seeking first to honor you... to be an extension of
your heart- your hands- your overwhelming grace.
Open my eyes to the lost and the hurting.
Blind me to the trivial pursuits of this world.

Continue your good work in me
as is your promise.

Amen.

Less like "Haunting", More like "Remember"

2009-02-22T15:48:00.004-06:00

I never thought I would even consider saying the words: "I don't like coming home from college!"... but--you guessed it-- I don't like coming home from college. Not anymore.

Maybe eventually these resentful feelings will change, as I am praying that they will, but for the sake of genuine honesty, these feelings and those words are the real deal.

Is it because it's too soon? Probably. Too painful? It'd make sense.
I'm reminded of the life I once used to lead back in ole' BoMo every time I make another visit, and it is becoming increasingly harder to look at. Jesus has been radically moving in my life, changing my ugly heart, and restoring the broken parts of me these past several weeks, and I have developed close-knit communal relationships in college that encourage me to keep on surrendering my pride and selfishness... I'm developing the desire to follow Christ with my whole life-- not just parts and pieces of it. I feel like I'm learning to really come alive there.

When I come home, it's surprising how much more difficult it is to keep that life in me. All the diasppoinment, failure, and pain from the past is waiting for me when I walk through the front door of my house.

So here's the question-- should my ability to cope whilst I am far away dwindle whenever I am suddenly in this all-too-familiar enviroment? No. Jesus' peace is not situational. Perhaps I haven't fully allowed Him to dwell in this part of me. It's something we're working on.

Yet in all this confusion and restlessness that I experience as I sit anxiously in my living room, yearning to return to my second home, I am reminded of something else, far more worthy of my time: hope. Because through all the recent change and transition, I can start to see tiny glimpses of the work that God is doing, and the budding of His purpose... by surrendering to Him, I have the promise that these good works will continue. :)

Sara Groves speaks the truth, y'all:

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

("Less Like Scars", by Sara Groves)

The Heart of Life ... (P.S. It's good)

2009-02-19T23:30:00.004-06:00

I received a copy of The Message translation of the Bible for my birthday.
I've been reading it.
I've been soaking it in and basking in the refreshing new perspective on God's word.
But sometimes, I must admit, The Message translates things in a way that I can't help but laugh out loud at. Some of the age-old analogies and parables just don't carry over the same effect when worded in modern tongue.

Well, recently, I came across a verse during my journey through Romans that really got me tickled.
(Fyi... it may not be common knowledge, but ever since coming to college, my love for vegetables/all things green 'n' leafy has exponentially skyrocketed to the high heavens). And here it is:

"...eat vegetables to the glory of God and thank God for broccoli."
[Romans 7ish]

Oh good gravy.
I about died! :)

I share this because I believe God has a sense of humor (oftentimes it is one we are too human to grasp!)... and because I wanted to share a little bit of the lighter side of my studies in the word. Oh, how I love laughter. :)

Yet on a slightly heavier note-- here is a thought I'll leave you with, that I journaled this afternoon when spending time with a certain Savior I'm incredibly fond of:

"Humility and I? Yeah, we'd never really formed much of a friendship. Matthew 10 has seriously been eating at me this entire semester... tough stuff! ... I really want to live in the truth that HE must become greater, and I must become less. Because who am I? Just a crumb of dust in the span of eternity. It's not about me... never was, never will be. OH BABY I fail at remembering that so many times-- all the time!-- but He is patient and has promised to see me through (Philippians 1:6)."

So. Until next time...
I pray that you live in the grace and freedom of Jesus Christ!

And...

I'm out. :)

Anthem for the Ordinary

2009-02-15T22:46:00.002-06:00

I've been remembering a time in my life when striving to make a name for myself seemed exceptionally important.
I'm thankful that God has worked in my heart in order to change that desire.
But it would be ridiculously inane to assume that it was easy, or that I surrendered immediately, or that I didn't put up a fight.

I used to fear being average with a consuming passion. Just a few years ago, you might find that fear listed among death and rejection and spiders... I convinced myself that accomplishing and impressing was the only way to make it in this world. Success, I decided, wouldn't come any other way.

Well, let's be honest. That philosophy is kind of ... corrupted.
And nothing else could have taught me that like these past couple months of walking closely with Jesus. He's kind of wrecked my life... for the better.

Back when I was a sophomore in High School, I had these lofty goals of becoming a big-name performer in New York City, and blowing small-town Bolivar out of the water with my accomplishments. I remember lamenting my ordinariness a considerable lot that year, and I continuously sought affirmation from others. It took someone a little older and wiser to see through my elitist dreams and give me a glimpse of the truth. My friend Ryan left me with these words to chew on one day:

"What is wrong with being average?
At my school --" [Princeton, fyi] "I'm average to below average. And that has taught me a lot...
1.Your identity is not based on your talents and abilities. Your identity is in Christ.
2. God made you so it doesn't matter if you are "average" in the world's eyes or not.
3. Besides, God uses everybody (specifically in our weakness) and is pleased with any kind of person as long as they seek and obey Him.
Just a thought..."

But it goes without saying that his "thought" alone didn't change my heart. It sparked something, and it irritated me-- which should have waved a red flag in my face... it wasn't until the following year that I started to become personally acquainted with these truths through a period of time particularly saturated with disappointment and failure. I suppose one might say I started to surrender--letting go finger-by-finger.
Most notably, I realized that New York wasn't what He had in mind for me. That was a painful realization. (And that's putting it lightly.)

After experiencing the stirring in my heart when I spent a week in El Salvador that following summer, the spark ignited a small flame. These were the words that came forth following the trip:

"...I have seen poverty. I have seen poor. I have seen neglect and injustice and 'crap', if you will. Yet in the midst of all of that, I saw joy... joy, thankfulness, peace, and genuine happiness. I met people who had nothing, yet rejoiced simply because the sun was up and they were alive. I met people who were uninhibited enough to show compassion to foreigners they did not know--who didn't even speak the same language. It was a lesson in many aspects of life, and I am a changed person because of it."

However, changed as I was, it was easy to return to my comfortable, glory-seeking, American lifestyle with my new friends so many miles away.

I spent so much time concentrating on accomplishing and succeeding my last year of High School that I became a pretty important person in my eyes. My first semester of college (and the summer beforehand) severely challenged that egotistical self-absorption. In fact, not only did it challenge me, you might say it kind of slapped me in the face-- hard (read the post below this one for a more detailed explanation).

The past couple of months, I surrendered to let the Lord lead me without question or hesitation. (Okay, without question is a bit of a stretch... we're still working on the whole trust thing). He has revealed so many closet-ugly parts of me, and faithfully promised to heal them. When I sit back and look at my life through the eyes of my old standards, I am the most ordinary, mediocre person imaginable.
I'm not making a name for myself.
I don't hold important positions in campus organizations.
I'm not the revered leader of a campus ministry.
I don't have glamorous, exciting summer plans.
I don't have any admirable Godly guys knocking on my door with a bouquet of flowers.
I'm not popular with everyone and I don't have a million friends.

But God has been showing me that this is all okay. It's okay because He has me where He wants me for the time being, and His place for me doesn't include those things.

I am becoming increasingly less interested in my name and in turn more interested in the name of my Savior Christ Jesus.
I am involved with smaller, lesser-known organizations because they are where my heart lies.
I have been able to serve within ministries behind the scenes.
I know my place this summer is at home with a job so I can help out my parents with school-year expenses.
God has given me a desire for singleness at this point in my life and I am completely at peace with it (it gives us more time together, which I can't seem to get enough of right now).
I have been blessed with beautiful authentic friendships that I didn't know were possible of forming, and I am learning to lose myself in order to let Christ live/love through me (a lesson I fail at a thousand times a day, but He's not giving up-- so neither will I).

I am content with this life I am leading, because I have the peace of Christ in my heart. My desire for self-glorification continues to be diminished by His unfailing grace each day...

I think I'm starting to get a glimpse of the life He has planned for me-- and granted, it's not an exciting life. My path doesn't lead to privileges, accolades, or important titles. A few years ago, that notion would've terrified me. No doubt I would've been seething with bitterness and resentment. Today? It excites me and fills me with more hope and joy than I ever thought possible... because I'm learning what it looks like to give up my life in order to find it in Christ, and it's beautiful. It's a slow process, and I'm sure I'll never get it totally right, but it's worth everything I have and more. NOTHING has ever been as fulfilling, and NOTHING ever will be.

I want to invite you, whoever you are, to join me in pursuing this life. It's frustrating and exhausting at times, but that's all the more reason to encourage one another along the way. Let's keep running the race together.

"So long self-- it's been fun, but I have found somebody else." :)

Identity Theft

2009-02-08T16:00:00.002-06:00

Written throughout December 2008 - January 2009

Preface:
Over break I've been going over a lot of the hurt I've had going on in my life and in my heart this past semester... sort of a "taking out the trash" with Jesus type thing. ;) On one occasion, I was so overwhelmed that I felt the need to sit down at the computer, put my fingers to the keyboard, and just see what happened. I was up writing non-stop until 3 AM. I left my creation open-ended, and have continued working on it for the past couple of weeks. This is (as far as I know, anyway) the finished product. It's long, so if anyone reads this, just be prepared.

I wrote this strictly for myself, primarily, but if this can help or inspire anyone else... by all means. I might as well put it out there in some way. ______________________________________________________________________
i'm trying to figure myself out. it's not as easy as i hoped it would be... funny.
here's a thought. maybe it will come out making sense:

you wonder why this year-- this first semester of college-- has been so tough for me?

because.

i.
lost.
everything.

everything i'd ever known or lived for. in some ways the loss was good. i'm sure of it. i have to keep telling myself that.

but let me paint a picture for you-- a picture of my world--going back a year and approximately 4 months from today.

we'll start in early august:
I was on top of the world. literally.My senior year was about to begin in only a week or so. i had so much to look forward to!
I was beautifully tan, first of all. i'd tanned all summer long. the natural way.
I was perfectly lean and slender, thanks to months of hard work-- controlling my appetite and working out every single day.
I was student body secretary, part of an executive team with my two very best friends. we'd been talking all summer-- making plans. this was our year.
I was dating an unbelievably wonderful, sweet, perfect, Godly guy-- a captain on the soccer team. we were the perfect couple. or, i certainly liked to think so.
I was one of the veteran members on the dance team, and it was finally our year to take charge... do things the way we wanted to do them. it was my passion, and i was well-known for my membership.
I was mere months away from starring in the school's production of "West Side Story"-- as Maria. My breakout role! Something I'd been wanting for ages... I'd been practicing all summer. Couldn't have been more excited.
I was in Chorus Line, our top choir, for the second year in a row, and felt quite confidently that I'd made something of myself in the choral department. Little did I know-- a little over a month down the road I was to accomplish the ultimate dream: All-State.
I was taking my first "on campus" college classes, and really felt like I was becoming an adult. I had my future mapped out. I was going to be a Music major at a small, Christian college.
I was finally part of a close-knit, genuine small group of girls through K-Life, and our bond just continued to strengthen me spiritually and emotionally. I'd never had anything quite like it. It was going to be so great...

around mid-November, things started to take a turn.

My tan was wearing off. But a small matter of worry.

I was becoming obsessed with my weight and my appearance, and it started taking over my life-- my relationships, my schoolwork, my extra-curricular activities... they all suffered. I started pushing everyone away. It was eating me up from the inside out, and stupidly, i externalized it to make things easier. For the time being.

This started to take a toll on my dating relationship, of course. I can't count how many times we wound up sitting in his car-- me crying hysterically as he tried to encourage me. But I screamed at him, accused him of lying.... how many times I angrily hung up on him because he didn't have time to work-out with me... how many times I manipulated his time and guilt-tripped him into reassuring me of my attractiveness. Yet it all felt like a silly charade to me. He was becoming miserable... and i didn't care.

The play was over. A huge chunk of my time (and life, for that matter) suddenly became void. It was over... everything I'd looked forward to since the previous spring was over within a matter of days. There were no more chances left-- there would be no more high school musicals. And a small part of my identity was stolen from me... I didn't like how that felt.

Elektra blue became my outlet, and I threw myself into that like I never had before. (And hey... it was exercise. I thought I could still stand to lose a few pounds, of course. not to worry that I was eating less than 1,000 calories a day and hadn't had my period since last April.)But time began to poke holes in my outlet, too-- the hostilities between my team-mates and our coach were driving me insane. I went to practice every day fearing that Elektra Blue would be disbanded, and I would lose yet another part of myself without warning. I made up my OWN mind to quit before it came to that, and cried every day for a week just thinking about what that would mean.

but everything else skillfully remained in tact. until one fateful day in late January...

He came to talk to me. He told me we had become too serious for his intentions. I had pushed him overboard... and he wasn't standing for it anymore. We were going to stay together and try to work on things, but I could tell where his heart was... I already knew it was over. It was so painfully clear in the back of my head-- and worst of all, I knew it was my fault. That killed me. Still, resilient person that i am, I refused to believe the truth that rang in my ears every second of every day from then on... a large stake of my identity was utterly dependent upon this person! I had to keep fighting, despite my gnawing intuition... terrible, terrible idea.

All-state choir had happened, and I was struggling with another painful, nagging truth: I didn't want music like that for the rest of my life. I didn't want long, dragging hours of practice and merciless studying of theory and technique; not to mention all the petty prima-donna, cut-throat competition... it wasn't at ALL what I wanted. But... that's what I had planned on, all along! What was I going to do? What about college NOW?

Another part of my identity was stripped from me without warning, and it left a a scar like all the others.All of a sudden, our Spring Fling (an exhibition which wrapped up the season for Elektra Blue) was here. Tensions were running high. I had been fighting tears all night, just out of the maddening insecurity. Then it hit us all- the senior class that made up half the team- smack in the face. Kicked off. Putting it lightly, our services were "no longer needed." Oh sure. Not like we'd spent all our time and money and passion on that team for the past 4 years, making it into what it was. So without warning, without the usual farewell banquet, without the usual senior privilege of assisting with tryouts-- we were kicked off the team. MY team. Elektra Blue was over for me, forever. And I barely had enough time to blink.

Meanwhile, I had dropped out of a lot of STUCO responsibilities due to all the other mayhem, and I could tell I was a disappointment. It was written all over everyone's faces. I wasn't at all the Student Body Officer I'd promised to be, and sadly I never recovered that image the rest of the year.

The Choir season was drawing to a close. My role as a respected, revered, member of the choir waved goodbye to me as I stood helplessly on the stage at our last concert. Who was I going to be without this part of my identity?

Finally, (on April Fools Day no less... how fitting!), after enduring months of confusion, crippling panic attacks, and irreversible pain from being slung on a hook and towed in and out of my boyfriend's interests-- it was finally over. Relief was the emotion I experienced at first in great, calming waves-- it became so much easier to think and breathe and concentrate without his WEAK indecision choking me every second. But oh, how the pain set in. A huge (perhaps TOO huge) piece of me was suddenly torn away... a piece I had become quite comfortable with over the last year and a half. Who was I without him? Did I even know? The confusion and hurt completely tore me to pieces inside, but we tried to remain friends. ---> HUGE. COLOSSAL. MISTAKE.

My close-knit group of friends, as well as my small group, was suddenly about to get ripped apart at the seams. We were all scattering like the four winds to different colleges, jobs, and stations in life. I'd never EVER been without my group before. I'd known most of them since birth... we'd grown up together. How was I going to face any part of life without them there beside me???

Though I didn't admit the struggle willingly, I was losing my mom to her preoccupation with my Grandma, and I was losing my Grandma to her battle with Alzheimer's. Of course I was selfish-- and on two accounts. For one: it was MY senior year for crying out loud. I wanted MY mom to be focussed on ME. I know she tried and she fought to be there for everything, but the jealousy was still there, and it was crushing my spirit. For two: I finally get a chance to get to know my grandma-- a chance to live within a 10 mile radius of her! -- and God decides he wants to take her away. She didn't get to come to any of my things. She didn't know me anymore. I couldn't stand visiting her, as much as I wanted to, because she wasn't my Grandma anymore. We never got a chance.

prom. high school graduation. childhood. everything slipped through my fingers so fast that spring.

My former boyfriend tried to get back together with me at Prom (to which we went together), but without any real sort of commitment. I was thrilled. Two weeks later? He's with another girl. WHAT happened to that sweet, wonderful, virtuous guy I'd given my trust to? I only wish I knew--even still. Oh, and you want to know what the absolute KICKER is? He came back-- apologizing and asking for my forgiveness, claiming he wanted me back, eventually-- a second time. And a third. And a FOURTH. Of course I fell for it like the staggering little idiot I was.

I had to watch my Grandma slip away in the hospital mere hours before her passing, and to triple the pang of that arrow through my heart, i had to watch my own mother experience her quiet pain, helplessly, at the same time. Everything happened so fast. It felt like a dream, and my heart had never felt more wrenched and burdened for the loss we all suffered. It hurt so much more than I expected it to.
---> This all happened the week before I was supposed to move in for my first semester of college.

AND you guessed it-- the catalyst of it all (i.e. my eating disorder/self-image obession) imploded upon itself. At first the effects were kind of nice-- I stopped eating all-together out of remorse for my suddenly imbalanced life and my weight dropped to the lowest it's ever been. I had absolutely no desire to eat, to feed the body which housed an identity that had been stretched into something completely foreign to me. But that didn't last forever-- of course I gained it all back and then some, feeding my panic and depression the only way I knew how. I couldn't seem to exercise anymore-- there was no motivation. There was no point. I had no idea who I was anymore.

and the light-bulb clicked.

i didn't know who i was anymore.

i'd lost the identity and reputation i'd spent so many years in my tiny town/high school cultivating.
i'd.
lost.
everything.

but wait. had i?
what had become "everything" to me?
my identity had become durably rooted in things and accomplishments and people.

and therein lay my problem.

Now bear in mind, I'd kept the whole God thing pretty much out of the picture i painted above... and for good reason.
Honestly, through all of that... He really wasn't much of a focal point.
As much as I pretended He was on the outside, on the inside I failed constantly to factor my God in to the equations I kept trying to solve.
I couldn't find a place for Him. He was too big, too intangible, too... God. And I didn't want to admit I'd lost control.

Plus, I'd lost a lot of faith in the whole "religion of Christianity" thing.
But don't judge-- just listen.

I grew up in a Christian home. I always had Christian friends.
Peer pressure? Sure, it existed for me-- but mainly I dealt with the kind that told me to be a good girl:
"Go to church! Make good grades! Tithe! Be respectful! Watch your language! Stay out of trouble!"

I had my share of struggles along the way, common-place for most any teenage girl living in our world, but I was a Christian-- I was supposed to deal with my issues in a Godly way:
"Pray. Read your Bible. Seek wise counsel from your elders."

noticing a trend here?
well, I certainly did.

my big epiphany occurred the summer before my Senior year started.

I was faced with many a tough question...
"Is Christianity really supposed to be about following all these rules?"
"Man, I make a lot of mistakes... is it worth trying to figure this thing out anymore?"
"How does the Love and Selflessness that Jesus talked about so much fit into these constricting religious formulas?"

Everything I'd ever been taught to believe in and live by seemed suddenly very unstable.
It wasn't long before my genuine curiosity developed into cynicism. Instead of continuing to ask questions and seek the truth, I began to poke holes in everything I considered "wrong" or "corrupted."
I turned my nose up at Christianity and nit-picked it to pieces, becoming quite the skeptic. My thirst for real understanding was quenched with quick judgements and burned into an angry, sardonic fire.

To my peers, of course, I still played the part I'd always played. But internally, I refused to follow all the rules I was taught were necessary in order to live a Christian life-- my own personal vindictive formula for dealing with the empty hole in my heart that silently ate away at me.

The problem?

I knew something was off, but all I did to rectify the imbalance was sit back and point out all the flaws I could find. I was too distracted to go about finding real answers-- finding a SOLUTION.

So I took on this new discovery from a different angle.The "truth" that had bound me together throughout my Christian youth no longer held-- suddenly bombarded with these novel insights, it just wasn't strong enough. I was terrified that my crumbling identity as a follower Christ would be exposed. My insecurity couldn't afford to be made public.

and so I wove a new identity, building upon the instability of my fragile, human reputation in my insignificant little world.

first things first--

1. New appearance. If I appeared beautiful and in-control on the outside, surely no one would be the wiser. Everything else underneath would be my business, and my business only.Everyone would be jealous, of course. I would find pleasure in it-- secretly... but it was the fix I needed to feed my desire for affirmation.

2. Socially I was a little butterfly. I lazily flitted around and had my selfish way with everyone such that I hardly worked at anything. My relationships were only present in my life because they were convenient--which sure made it easy. I didn't have to contribute at all, yet I still had automatic friends. Perfect.

3. Boyfriend? Check. Everyone would assume that if I had secured a boy like mine, I was something special. If he thought I was worth it, then I was. His encouragement and support meant the world to me. And I depended on him to assure me of my progress on task number one-- he played a dual role, you see.

4. Status? You bet. A member of the Student Body, the top Choirs, Elektra Blue... all my important positions filled me up with plastic joy.
And it was never enough.

Because all of those things were temporary... fleshly, tangible things of this earth, which moth and rust destroyed. Plus, all that running from the insistent truth tugging on my heart was waring me out...

it was there... at the end of my rope, when I hit rock bottom and saw everything that I had sucked dry to fill the gaping hole inside of me...

i encountered Jesus.

i encountered the insurmountable love, unfailing grace, and compassionate mercy that he'd been wanting to give me all along.

everything that he offered-- a life of faith and freedom-- had been right under my nose the whole time.

yet i had been far too busy finding my own means of sustenance, and nearly ran myself ragged in the process. i was absolutely parched for the truth.
so my Savior had finally convinced me to come to the well and drink deep the joy of a life in Him.

does that mean life suddenly became a breezy walk in the park?
quite the contrary. my problems didn't up and disappear by any means.
but i finally had the peace of Jesus dwelling within me that helped me conquer each day with a little more vigor.

sure, there are days when i push it away and try to sink back into the ease of my old hiding hole.but i always have hope.
because:
Unlike my social status, my identity in Christ remains constant.
Unlike my boyfriend, my Jesus is never going to give up on me.
Unlike my own self-image, the beauty the Lord sees in me is exquisite and enthralling.

i know these things to be true.
even when it is hard to accept them, i know that their verity never fades.
and it is a comfort beyond anything this world can offer, i promise everyone that much.

so i am building upon this foundation now.
starting over, rebalancing the scales.
in learning to rebuild who i am, i am learning to embrace this life i've been given and love the people i am sharing it with.

"Time is such a wonderful, gloriously frightening part of existence. And God definitely uses it to administer His works. For one, time has such a strange numbing power. Every day it gets a little easier... easier to forget, easier to brush it off, easier to move on and dedicate myself to pressing on toward something bigger and better waiting in the distance for me. I admit that at times the process seems painfully slow-- especially when I dwell on each passing moment individually... but collectively, it's amazing how far I have journeyed already."

slow a process as it may be, there is healing in my heart today.
and... there is still a lot of work to be done.

but not to worry.

my Jesus was kind of cut-out for this particular line of work.
He comes highly recommended.
give Him a call. :)

A (Semi) Organized Stream of Conciousness

2009-02-06T22:35:00.001-06:00

Let's take a break from these philosophical probings of life's purpose, shall we?

Here's a little something that might tell you more than you ever wanted (or will ever need) to know about this crumb of dust...

Written On December 21, 2008:

1. My shoulder really hurts right now, and I, for the life of me, can't seem to pinpoint a reason why. I haven't done any heavy lifting recently, I haven't slept on it abnormally (doing that actually seems to help, oddly enough), and I haven't had any memorable accidents. Additionally, the really weird thing is the fact that it doesn't start hurting until I hold it in one position for a long-ish period of time. Then it is on fire... a dull, yet roaring fire that makes any kind of position I try to contort myself into thereafter increasingly uncomfortable. Hmm. Diagnosis, anyone? (Update: I went to see a medical professional in early January, and was diagnosed with an excessive amount of stress, which externalized itself through my upper back/particularly my right shoulder. I was prescribed some muscle relaxers and a stint of physical therapy. Since then, everything has been primarily peachy keen).

2. Time is such a wonderful, gloriously frightening part of existence. And God definitely uses it to administer His works. For one, time has such a strange numbing power. Every day it gets a little easier... easier to forget, easier to brush it off, easier to move on and dedicate myself to pressing on toward something bigger and better waiting in the distance for me. I admit that at times the process seems painfully slow-- especially when I dwell on each passing moment individually... but collectively, it's amazing how far I have journeyed already. (Update: Even though it feels like I've endured 10 years of pushing through this wall of hurt, confusion, and devestation since I wrote this, it's only been a little over a month. But God is good, and time is an instrument of His goodness. I'm not there yet, to the resolution-- and won't be for a good while-- but I have hope and the promise of the completion of His good work. And that is enough for now).

3. I don't know if anyone can relate to or understand this (though I'm sure more people have the ability than will admit it), but... I have changed. Physically. And... I really don't care. Well, maybe that's not it-- not that I don't care, but more that the paranoia and perfectionism don't swallow me whole anymore. It's odd. I feel like they should, and I keep waiting for them to arrive... but they don't. Hm. I don't kill myself with constant physical activity anymore. I don't limit myself to 1,000 calories a day (stupid stupid STUPID idea, by the way). I can't exactly fit into the tiny pair of jeans I used to be able to squeeze my malnourished body into last year... but I'm not having a panic attack. This, my friends, looks like evidence of progress. Please let me enjoy this refreshing change of pace. :) (Update: Props to Jesus on this one, folks. He never ceases to amaze. Things are still progressing as they have been--I eat an almost abnormal amount of vegetables, drink a ton of water, and try to get in 30 minutes of exercise a day, and I'm doing it because it makes me feel alive and healthy, not because it makes me feel skinny. Those days are over, thank you very much).

4. Sometimes it hits me that we're never going to all be together again. Hm. What a sobering thought. Sure, we have that age-old fantasy of all growing up and moving into a neighborhood together, but honestly... how realistic is that? People change, people move on, people choose different paths... we're all scattering. I feel like I'm just on hold sometimes, waiting for the time to come when we'll all finally be back together permanently... but I don't think that day is coming. I'm never going to be able to expand my life or discover my purpose if I don't let go of that silly, hopeless little dream... and so, that is what needs to happen. "Refining Process Number 2" for Jesus and Kelsey to start work on. (Update: Refining Process Number 2 is underway, and I have been given the peace to accept the fact that things need to change... life is swirling around us and and we have to bend and stretch with it. BUT I have also realized that change is not an end, but a begining of a new journey [excuse me for the cliché]-- "I'll come back when you call me. No need to say goodbye." )

5. I have a really bad temper. I apologize if you've ever had to put up with it. Just one of those ugly tendencies I struggle with as a human. Be patient with me. ( Update: Ha. Sorry to break it to you, but yep... I'm STILL human. My temper still plagues me sometimes, especially when I am lacking sleep and precious time with my Savior. It's a work in progress.)

6. I believe I'm switching my major/minor combo to English Education and TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages... I assume, anyway). I just want to have some sort of skill or training that will be useful in service-- something I can contribute to those in need. Anthropology is indeed incredibly fascinating, but... how much good am I going to be able to accomplish if all I can do is study people's cultural habits? ... ---> Exactly. ( Update: I did end up changing my major/minor. Guess what? I absolutely love it and the possibilities of where God might take me with this. Over spring break, I've been given the opportunity to travel to El Salvador again and share life with my family there. I have learned that in addition to this we are going to be working with English students in schools/Universities, which is the type of ministry God has laid upon my heart. Man, is He good at orchestrating life or what?)

7. This is my first Christmas without my Grandma. This is my first Christmas as a College Student. This is my first Christmas of "Singledom" since 2006. A lot of changes. It's going to be hard. But not unmanageable. :) (Update: Honestly... this past Christmas was one of the hardest Christmases I've had in a while-- for a number of reasons beyond what is listed above. But again I will say it: He is good, and He is producing good through it all). :-)

8. The other night I was in the kitchen with my impatient, hungry puppy, and somehow I came up with the idea that it would be funny to get out some powdered sugar and sprinkle it all over his dark black fur. This amused me far more than it should have. It looked like he'd just experienced the begining of a fresh snowfall. I thought it made him look festive. My mom thought surely I had been out drinking. Eh, what can you do? (Update: What on earth...? ha.)

9. I'm really interested in learning about the economy and world affairs of the like. I want to have an opinion-- and until I am cured of my ignorance, that's not really possible. I need a wise educator to enlighten me... any takers? (Update: Seriously, any takers?) ;-)

10. If I'm ever acting a bit more eccentric than normal, see if you can find out if I've consumed a lot of caffienated tea recently. That is probably your best bet in terms of an explanation. (Update: My addiction to tea has, if anything, grown stronger in the past few weeks.

Retrospect: Number One (And Two)

2009-02-01T22:47:00.004-06:00

Written on Wednesday, October 08, 2008:

Point Number One: I am dissatisfied with complacency. I feel comfortable where I am at MSU--with what I'm doing and my level of involvement in things-- but is that okay? Should I want to feel comfortable? I suppose comfort to a certain extent is reasonable... basic physical comfort is desirable for obvious reasons (and ironically, I feel as if that need is not being totally met here, in my concrete-box-prison-cell of a dorm room). But Jesus says time and time again that the way is narrow...which leads me to think that the way is not easy.... and therefore not "comfortable."

Bear in mind that when I say "comfortable", I don't mean that I believe following Jesus means a lack of peace, or that his followers are walking around with a constant pain in their sides. I'm simply wondering that if we ever get to a place where we are no longer being challenged with life-- no longer stepping out and risking things and occasionally struggling with the weight of the cross that we bear-- that we are missing something.

Written on Monday, October 13, 2008:

Miss Independant.

That's what I am. I've decided.
While I love people and being social and consider relationships to be one of the key factors of the life as Jesus calls us to live, I still enjoy being on my own from time to time. I love being independent and exploring and accomplishing... it kind of makes me feel alive sometimes. Which brings me to...

Where is the middle ground here? Both introversion and extroversion are integral parts of a balanced life... but how does one balance them? What does that look like? How can you tell when you've gone to far in one direction? Sometimes I fear that I will become too rooted in my independence to realize that relationships and social interactions get neglected. Or that I will get too caught up in my social life that I will become burnt out before I realize that I need some time for personal recollection (usually more the former than the latter bothers me-- for some reason it's easier to pick up on the cues that I'm lacking "me"-time).

Man. College prompts a lot of thought that wouldn't otherwise be prompted. I guess I'm thankful for that. :)
Speaking of college...

Isn't the point of college to LEARN? Well, with the way some of my mid-terms are set up, I have been stuck in my room all weekend studying for HOURS, processing information (half of which will probably not even be of use to me on the exams) but not LEARNING. I can't learn like this! I can't concentrate on hundreds of pages of text for 6 hours straight! Just because I write things down and memorize words and phrases doesn't mean I'm actually picking up the concepts.

Those of you still in High School, please take time to celebrate your neat little question-by-question study guides, because for some reason once you enter college, learning merely becomes an optional manifest function of education... the real objective in college is to stress each student out to the point of absolute misery.

Falling Back to Propel Forward

2009-01-29T14:32:00.002-06:00

This past Sunday, I heard a Methodist Pastor speak on the topic of "Missional Churches." What he said I absorbed minimally (let's face it-- even with a will of sincere determination-- as a college student I don't always catch a full 8 hours of sleep, thus occassionally limiting my attention span on a Sunday morning), but one thought he proposed did penetrate me:

"We must go back sometimes in order to go forward."

Granted, this man was talking about looking back at the concept of "Church" Jesus intended for us in order to build upon our churches today (a wonderful, valid point). But I began to consider how that concept applied to my own life. The past few months have been full of sometimes painful recollection of the past (aka hard heart work with Jesus), so that I may be restored for His greater purpose.

That pastor was on to something, I believe. Examining the past aids in propeling us toward the future.

And so, I think the same goes for this here 'blog. I think some of the things I penned (figuratively, of course) last semester still need to be chewed on and digested here. And so they will add to the beauty of this crumb of dust's tales, which themselves merely endeavor to add to the beauty of the One who created beauty itself (that's a lot of beauty, eh?). :)

And so the next few posts will be a series of throwbacks to good ole' Fall of 2008.
(As if I couldn't have spared the extensive explanation above and kept it to just that ^^).

A New Era?

2009-01-29T13:19:00.004-06:00

I think so.

It seems to make sense, anyway. I started my beloved xanga near four years ago, the summer prior to my freshman year of high school. It was the beginning of a new stage of life-- and the end of an old one. It seemed a fitting transition to document. Xanga has served me well through the years, but as I sit here in my college dorm room, wondering how all that time slipped through my fingers when I wasn't looking, I realize it's time again.

It's time to bury the old, and erect the new. The last four years of my life were some of the most glorious, confusing years of my life. The Lord's hand is faithful. And it is good... but It is leading me down a new path today. A new era already begun.

So.

Long story short: New era=new blog. :)